Due to a series of missteps, United Airlines is mired in a public relations nightmare. In light of this, the airline could consider new slogans. We are happy to provide those here:
1. United: Where there’s never an extra charge for carry-ons or savage beatings.
2. Fly the decidedly hostile skies of United.
3. United: Don’t even think of flying us while wearing leggings, you strumpets!
4. Fly United, where are in-flight meals are, like, the eighth worst thing about the experience.
5. At United, we loathe to fly with you, and it shows.
6. You think you’re better off with any of the others, chump?
7. United: We’re arguably a little better than Greyhound.
8. Like being manhandled? You’ll love flying United!
9. United. At least our flight attendants don’t try to be funny and what not!
10. Volunteer or get volunteered. With United it’s on you, punk.
11. Overbooking. It’s kind of our thing at United.
12. No shirts, no shoes, no problem! But leggings? That’s a great big stinking problem, you low-life!
13. United: We’re thinking about bringing smoking on flights back. Because why the hell not?
14. Fly United, unless you really need to be somewhere!
15. Air travel doesn’t have to be a drag. Unless we decide to drag you down the aisle. United!
16. United: Hey, we have a hub in Newark!
This is a parody, which, frankly, should be obvious.