Game of Mad Men: Top Pitches by Don Draper If He Were In Game Of Thrones

By Kigsz (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
1.  We’re not selling Westeros. We’re selling the idea of Westeros.

2.   When a woman buys a dragon, she’s not buying the dragon. She’s buying power. She’s buying the ability to soar above men. Dragons are the future, gentlemen, and we want to be in the dragon business if we don’t want to get left behind. Just don’t sell one to our wives.

3.  Of course you have to make it out of iron. It’s called the Iron Throne, for goodness sake. Don’t out clever yourself on this.

4.  We open on a tavern. A young, fat kid…wholesome sits at a table. He looks sad. We don’t know why. Light lute music plays. We stay ont his image, almost too long, but it’s just the right amount of time. Then we hear his mother saying ‘Hot pie! Hot pie!’ The kid looks up, and slowly his sad face turns into a giant grin. He is happier than any kid has ever been. Cut to black with simple lettering ‘Sarah Lee. Hot Pies.’ It’s simple. It’s real.

5.  Look, Peggy, the Many-Faced Gods account wants classic. They want mystery. They don’t want a bunch of hippie crap by your creatives.

6.  When a man buys a crossbow, he wants to feel like he’s buying more than a weapon. He wants to feel like he is omnipotent.  A dwarf wants to feel like he can kill a king. Tell a man that if he buys the crossbow he becomes ….a god.

7.  You’re seeing this wrong.  You don’t sell Budweiser to the Men of the Night’s Watch.  You let them sell Budweiser to the rest of the Seven Kingdoms.

8.  We show a woman, young, pretty.  She is standing outside looking over a cliff at a desolate field.  She shivers slightly.  A young man, classically handsome, walks up behind her and drapes a coat over her shoulder. She looks at him with pure love.  We put up text over this scene.  “Winter is coming.  Make sure she’s ready.  Christian Dior.”

 

 

 

Failed 2015 Fall Pilots

— Los Angeles, CA

The broadcast networks this week announced their new shows to begin airing in Fall 2015. While this was cause for television audiences to rejoice at the quality offerings headed their way, many producers, writers, performers and other industry insiders are cursing their fates as they learned their pilots had not been picked up.

Below is a list of some of the pilots that failed to find a television home:

Inconceivable!                By Yusuf Laher (dudephotography) [CC BY-SA 2.0 http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
1. Andre!: A series based on the 1981 film, My Dinner With Andre. The pilot starred Matt LeBlanc in the title role, with Richard Ayoade taking over the part played in the film by Wallace Shawn. The pilot featured the two main characters having dinner and talking about bugs the whole time.

2. Matter Eater Lad:  In an effort to cash in on the recent crop of super hero movies and television shows, this pilot featured Josh Gad as Tenzil Kim, an alien whose super power is the ability to eat stuff.  In the pilot, Tenzil foiled a bank robbery by eating the bank.

3.   The Billion Dollar Quiz!:  A nighttime game show in which the winner receives a billion dollars.  The problem was obvious when it was announced that the prize went to the one of three contestants who won a simple trivia game each night of the five night a week proposed show.

The now unemployed star of Stone and Manatee will return to his previous job of swimming about eating things.

4.  Stone and Manatee.  A buddy cop show starring unknown actor Will Negland and a manatee.  In the pilot, they solved a jewel heist that occurred in a Florida Marsh.

5.  Mother Most Vexatious! The mother (Carol Kane) of an Elizabethan playwright  (Joe Rogan) is acerbic and demanding.

6.  Law’s Law.  Sarah Law (Helena Johannson, who is apparently vaguely related to Scarlett, through marriage we think) is an attorney by day and also by night, as her job is fairly demanding.  In the pilot she spent the whole show reviewing documents produced pursuant to discovery requests in  fairly routine slip and fall case. Highlights includes a montage of highlighting things.

7.  Gitter Done.  A Larry the Cable Guy vehicle in which he playes Gitter Done, CEO of Done Manufacturing, a company that makes bucket handles.

8.  Mystery Island!  Strangers awaken on an island after falling asleep in their homes.  Over the course of the series, they would learn what drew them to the island and what the island represents.  In the pilot they just spent the whole hour talking about stuff they saw on Lost.

9.  Knightly News!  A comedy take on the day’s news as told by a Knight of the Round Table (H. Jon Benjamin).  Unfortunately, the punchline to each story was “What sorcery is this!”

10.  Monday Night Lights.  A spin-off off football series Friday Night Lights, but this one was set at a crafts class down at the community center.  In the first episode, the group made macrame owls and talked about Texas.

Ten Things You Should Not Say To People Who Are Scared Of Bees

By תמר פיליפ (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Many people are scared of bees. And for them, life is full of difficulty.  They are constantly surrounded by people who are not scared of bees and who are not sensitive to their concerns.  When dealing with people who are scared of bees, you should modify your behavior and avoid saying the following things:

1.  Hey, is that a bee?
2.  Look out, there are bees!
3.  Man, what if a bee got in here?
4.  I just found out your house was built on the site of an ancient bee burial ground.
5.  A bee! A bee! Look! Look! A bee!
6.  I neglected to tell you before you came over, but my apartment is also a free range bee farm.
7.  I’d like you to meet my friend Steve. He’s a dentist. And a bee.
8.  Wouldn’t it be weird if bees moved into people’s empty shoes at night?
9.  Hey, your car looks like a bee!
10.  Buzz Buzz Buzz. I’m a giant bee.

The Grand Charade: A Play In One Act

By Frank J. Schlueter [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

The scene is set in a home. It is suburban, of middle class roots.

A MAN, our protagonist, gallantly and with no regard for himself, begins to empty the dishwasher.

A WOMAN, his wife stops him and speaks: Do not worry about those. I’ll empty it later.

MAN can no longer live in this house of lies, and moves in with Babette, a worldly-wise waitress at the coffee shop where lost souls gather to curse their fate and the state of a sad and cruel world.

They smoke. They drink whiskey. Eventually, they die.