The Llamashank Redemption

— Hollywood, CA

The reported star of The Llamashank Redemption, Llama Freeman. By Schuyler Shepherd (Own work) [CC BY-SA 2.5 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5)], via Wikimedia Commons
The internet was abuzz yesterday as two llamas busted loose from a trailer in Sun City, Arizona and went on a mad spree, evading recapture for a period of time. This event mesmerized the nation.  As a result, director Frank Darabont has announced he will be making a film based on the event.  The film will be titled The Llamashank Redemption.

We have managed to obtain an exclusive early copy of an outline of potential dialogue and plot points to the film:

1.  Llama initially wrongly captured, after having been framed as a sheep.

2.  “I’d like to tell you those llamas got away. I’d like to tell you that.”

3.  Cruel llama warden places llama in the hole, sheers them even when it is chilly

4.  One older llama does escape, but is unable to assimilate into llama society, ultimately leading him to commit llamacide.

5.  Llama curries favor with guards and warden by doing their taxes.

6.  Llama gets in trouble by bleeting an aria for an opera to improve the morale of fellow llamas. This causes one llama to deliver this speech “I have no idea to this day what that llama was bleeting about. Truth is, I don’t want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I’d like to think he was bleeting about something so beautiful, it can’t be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, that bleeting soared higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful alpaca wandered into our drab little cage and made those walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last last llama in Llamashank felt free.”

7.  Llama impresses fellow prisoners by getting guards to give them some delicious hay for the work they perform.

8.  Escape effectuated by placing a sexy llama poster over a hole in the trailer.

9. White llama gets away.  Years later black llama finds him at magical Mexican llama resort.

10.  Stirring closing speech “Sometimes it makes me sad, though, that other llama being gone. I have to remind myself that some llamas aren’t meant to be caged. Their wool is just too wooly.. And when they run away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they’re gone. I guess I just miss my friend. Who is a llama.”

2015 Oscar Predictions

I have seen one move nominated for Best Picture this year, and maybe a handful of others with any kinds of nominations.  So, clearly, I am qualified to make predictions this year.  Here’s my list of predictions and the nominees I am pulling for.

Enjoy, won’t you!

CATEGORY PREDICTION PULLING FOR NOTES/REASONING
Picture Birdman Grand Budapest Hotel Birds scare me, and I am okay with hotels.
Director Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu Wes Anderson I feel like Wes would be fun to hang out near and make fun of.
Actor Eddie Redmayne Steve Carrell Carrell seems like a nice guy who wouldn’t lord this thing over anyone.
Actress Julianne Moore Julianne Moore Mainly because I just loved her in The Big Lebowski.
Supporting Actor J.K. Simmons J.K. Simmons I am afraid of him, so there’s that.
Supporting Actress Patricia Arquette Emma Stone Because, Emma Stone.
Foreign Language Film Ida Leviathan Leviathan is a cool name.
Adapted Screenplay The Imitation Game Whiplash I’m still scared of J.K. Simmons.
Original Screenplay Grand Budapest Hotel Grand Budapest Hotel This is the category they will give an award to either Wes Anderson or Quentin Tarantino in lieu of anything else. And Tarantino isn’t nominated.
Animated Feature How to Train Your Dragon 2 The Lego Movie I realize Lego wasn’t nominated. But that’s just absurd.
Makeup and Hair Grand Budapest Hotel Guardians
of the Galaxy
 Groot is difficult to groom.
Cinematography Birdman Grand Budapest They’ll award Birman for being a clever trick.
Costume Design Grand Budapest Hotel Into The Woods I don’t actually care at all.
Editing Boyhood Boyhood That had to be a lot of editing, man.
Score The Imitation Game Grand Budapest Hotel It was filled with whimsy!
Song I’m Not Going to Miss You Everything
Is Awesome
They need to reward this movie which they egregiously failed to nominate as best animated feature.
Production Design Grand Budapest Hotel Grand Budapest Hotel The design was grand!
Best Sound Mixing American Sniper Whiplash I just assume the drums sounded good.
Sound Editing American Sniper Whiplash As far as I can determine, this award is for the exact same thing as Sound Mixing.
Visual Effects Interstellar Guardians of the Galaxy Guardians of the Galaxy was a hoot and a half.  And it looked good.  So give it this award for the hoot factor.  But they’ll give it to Christopher Nolan’s deal.
Documentary CitizenFour Virunga I know nothing about Virunga, but it has a cool name, and I’m tired of Edward Snowden stuff.
Documentary Short Crisis Hotline: Veterans Press 1 Crisis Hotline: Veterans Press 1 No explanation needed.
Best Animated Short The Dam Keeper Feast Feast was cute, and I saw it. That’s pretty much all I can go with.
Best Live Action Short The Phone Call Boogaloo and Graham Ever since Breakin’ 2 got snubbed, a film with the name Boogaloo in it deserves an Oscar.

 

Oklahoma Proposes New State Slogans

- Oklahoma City, OK

Proposed Oklahoma “Classroom of the Future”.

Republican state legislators in Oklahoma are proposing legislation that would defund the teaching of AP American History and replace them with new classes because legislators feel the AP courses don’t properly teach “American Exceptionalism”, a concept which, essentially, holds that the United States is super awesome and has never done anything wrong whatsoever.

As a companion bill, legislators are proposing changing the state’s slogan.  The following slogans are in the running:

1.  Oklahoma: You can’t spell “history” if you went to school here.

2.  Oklahoma: Those who ignore history are doomed to graduate from high school here.

3.  Oklahoma:  Them Injuns had it coming!

4.  Oklahoma:  If you want to know the history of slavery head over to Nebraska, chump.

5.  Oklahoma:  Whitewashing is OK!

6.  Oklahoma: We aren’t that fond of math either.

7.  Oklahoma: Making the South look progressive!

8.  Oklahoma: Where the wind comes sweepin’ down the plain and hopefully destroys all the libraries.

9.  Oklahoma: Book learning is for jerks.

10.  Oklahoma:  The less you know!

11. Oklahoma: We missed our shot at burning witches, but we can still burn books!

Legislators have also proposed that the state’s new bird be an ostrich with its head buried “deep in a pile of magnificent wheat,” said an aide to one GOP state legislator.

Winter Storm Survival Tips

 

Here’s a photo with snow. By Radosław Drożdżewski (Zwiadowca21) (Own work) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC BY-SA 4.0-3.0-2.5-2.0-1.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0-3.0-2.5-2.0-1.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Winter Stormageddonpocalypse ’15 is bearing down on the Mid-South.  As local meteorologists prepare for inordinate amounts of screen time, you should make ready for the coming storm.  Here are some important tips to help you survive the storm of the century.

  1.  Stock up on jokes about milk and bread. There’s going to be a lot of opportunity to make jokes about people running to the store for necessities in the face of winter weather.  You’re going to want cutting edge, fresh jokes so that yours can stand out on social media.  Don’t be stuck with just one “Guess we’re going to need bread and milk!” quip for Facebook.  Go get those jokes ready now so you can be at the forefront of obvious comedy.
  1.  Winterize your house.  Cover the entire house with a Styrofoam teepee.  If it’s good enough for your outdoor faucets, it’s good enough for your whole house.
  1.  Determine which family members you will eat.  If trapped by ice for more than two days, you may need to decide which family member the rest will eat in order to survive.  It’s best to make those plans now when you can do it rationally and without letting emotions get in the way during a crisis.  The Donner party didn’t plan, and reports say they had a really hard time deciding who would be lunch. And don’t even get me started on that soccer team. Those guys had a really tough time due to lack of planning!
  1.  Purchase a salt truck and 50 tons of salt.  This will be incredibly useful. And if the storm does not show up, you’ve got enough salt to last for your meals for at least a week!
  2. Mock people. If you are from the North, now is your opportunity to make fun of and be condescending to your new neighbors. Make as many insulting, rude and annoying statements about how we just don’t understand snow down here and that it’s quaint that we react to winter weather the way we do. We love that.
  3. Gather costumes. Prepare for the winter weather by stocking up on supplies to make costumes of local weather personalities. Treat weather reports like The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Throw bread or something at your TV anytime there’s a weather crawl! Shoot each other with water guns anytime Ron Childers says “occluded”! Make it fun!
  4. Prepare entertainment. Remember, if the power goes out, you won’t be able to access programming on your TV, radios, Netflix, or even your old Magnum P.I. DVDs. So prepare for some non-electric based entertainment. Like puppets or something. I don’t know what people did for fun in the dark ages, but I assume puppets were involved.
  5. Prepare a shrine to Ithaqua. Just in case the storm is caused by Old Ones, it won’t hurt to do what you can to appease Ithaqua lest he devour your soul or send you to the brink of gibbering madness.
  6. Get a sled. Call it Rosebud and yearn for it as you lay dying, allowing it symbolize your lost youth and innocence. Spoiler alert. Sorry.
  7. Say “Cold enough for you?” over and over again. This will help make the decision in number 3 easier for the rest of the family.

 

 

Brian Williams Recants More Stories

- New York

“Oops!”                                                      By David Shankbone (Own work) [CC BY 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Beleaguered NBC News anchor and occasional sitcom star Brian Williams today announced he had to recant several more stories following this week’s revelation that a tale he told about being aboard a helicopter that was shot down in a 2003 RPG attack over Iraq was simply not true.

The following is a transcript of the latest mea culpa Williams aired:

I would like to apologize to our viewers for another series of claims I have made over time that may not be accurate.  I thought they were when I made them, but it turns out I was wrong. I don’t have a good excuse for my innocent errors, so let’s just say it’s the result of me having watched some old episodes of Sanford and Son.  Redd Foxx was always hilarious.  With that said, I must now make the following clarifications:

1.  I did not invent the switchblade comb.  I use one daily, and just assumed I had created it. I was mistaken.

2.  I was not a signatory to the Treaty of Ghent. I had not yet been born.  My passion for the War of 1812 colored my view of the facts.

3.  I am not the author of The Greatest Generation. But I do know the guy who wrote it.

4.  I am not married to or dating Tina Fey.  I’ve just been on a show with her. And she is compelling, so one can see how that could confuse me.

5.  I am not the inspiration for Mad Men.  I am just very handsome. But that’s where the similarities end.

6.  I did not cause the fall of the Berlin Wall.  I do approve, and sometimes I confuse support with causation.

7.  I was not the United States Secretary of Labor in 2010. That was Hilda Solis.  I simply misread a Post-It note someone had left on my desk.

8.  I am not Edward R. Murrow.  I realize that one should have been obvious to me, but that movie about him was on, and I could have sworn it was me.

9.  I do not think Girls is funny.  I regret claiming it was.

10.  I was not a part of Seal Team Six.  I do, however, own six seals, so you can see how that misstatement occurred.

11.  I did not write Maple Leaf Rag. That was Scott Joplin. I was visited Joplin, Missouri while touring flood damage from a helicopter. A helicopter that was shot down by a group of extremist Juggalos.

12.  I was never in a helicopter shot down by Juggalos.

I hope that through this clearing of the air, I can regain your trust, and that I can still get appearances on NBC sitcoms in which I play myself. Thank you. Good night, and good luck.