— Casper, WY
Alan Bundt today announced he is depressed and angry by reports that Mila Kunis is engaged to fellow former That 70′s Show star Ashton Kutcher.
Bundt recently made news by announcing he was okay with the news that his celebrity crush Ellen Page was gay. At the time, he advised the media he was refocusing his energies on Ms. Kunis.
“I cannot catch a break,” Bundt said in a hastily called press conference held in the cafeteria of the high school in which he works as a guidance counselor. “Ellen’s news was tough. I respect her decision, but it made me sad. Now, the Kunis shoe drops? It’s just so, well, unfair.”
“He’s taking this pretty tough,” said Kelly Haines, a teacher at Bundt’s school. “He really had just gotten over the loss of a shot at Ellen Page when this happened. Poor guy.”
Neither Kunis nor Kutcher had any words of support or encouragement for the beleagured Bundt. A call to Kunis’ spokesperson about Bundt was met with a “Who?”
Bundt says he will carefully evaluate who his next celebrity crush will be, and will not issue any hasty decisions. “Look, I’ve got it narrowed down to two, but I’ve got to do my research and make sure they will work out,” Bundt said, while eating a tater tot.
— Phoenix, AZ
The Arizona state legislature today approved a bill that decriminalizes and actively encourages hate crimes. “It is time for this state to stand up for what is right. And that is hating people who are not white. straight, Christian males,” said state Sen. Jim Beadley (R -Tempe), the bill’s sponsor.
“We’re going to make the star on the flag white. And make the lines straighter.”
Beadley said the bill, captioned the “Arizona Decency Restoration Act” is designed to remove criminal penalties for crimes committed based on a victim’s race, religion, sexual orientation and gender, and will actually award individuals who can document committing such ‘crimes’ with “Arizona Points” redeemable for biscuits and coffee at state run Good Citizen Cafes.”
“Obviously, there will be an exception in the law for crimes committed against people who are white, straight, male or Christian. That will not stand,” Beadley said.
“It’s one thing to say we shouldn’t punish people for their thoughts,” said state Sen. Nick Dander (R – Tucson), who co-sponsored the bill. “But we need to go further and let people know that the good citizens of Arizona are none too happy with anyone who is not a straight white Christian – preferably Protestant – male.”
The Bill will be submitted to Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, who is expected to hem and haw over whether or not to veto it.
— Atlanta, GA
Charles Kendrick announced today that he is thrilled to be afforded the opportunity to once again mock curling, a sport he has no understanding of whatsoever.
“I only get to do this once every four years, so I have to make it count,” said Kendrick, a mortgage loan officer. ”People expect it, and, I am sure, look forward to it.”
Kendrick stated that the only time he gets to utilize his material on curling is during the Winter Olympics.
“I think curling is a stupid and a waste of time, so I enjoy having the opportunity to point that out every four years,” Kendrick said.
Kendrick then went on to explain how silly he feels curling is, the fact that it involves brooms and “rocks with handles”, and a general pronouncement that it shouldn’t even be considered an actual sport.
When asked for the rules of curling, Kendrick simply said “Who cares?”
After the Olympics end, Kendrick intends to explain to people why the rules of Quidditch in the Harry Potter series are inadequate and his reasons as to why soccer “doesn’t count”.
- – - Casper, WY
In the wake of actress Ellen Page’s heartfelt announcement made last week in Las Vegas at the Human Rights Campaign Foundation that she is gay, Alan Bundt of Casper, Wyoming today begrudgingly announced he is “okay” with that decision.
“I’ve been following Ellen since Hard Candy,” said Bundt, age 34. ”But I really started to have a crush on her after Juno. Hate to be a cliché, but she was just so good in it.”
Bundt, a guidance counselor at a local high school, admits he was at first taken aback by Page’s announcement. “I guess I had hoped somehow Ellen would come to Casper, and maybe we’d get a chance to talk and really hit it off. But, now that I know she’s gay, I guess there’s just no realistic chance of that happening.”
“I fully support Ellen. Everyone should be treated with dignity and respect regardless of their sexual preference. I’m just bummed out on a personal level,” Bundt said. “I guess I’ll just have to accept the fact the Ellen is not going to ultimately marry me. I just hope she can legally marry whoever she chooses to. Although I really still wish it was me. It’s a mixed feeling deal.”
Bundt later announced that he will focus his crush energies on Mila Kunis in the coming days.
- – - The Pentagon
Following the issuance of an Executive Order, the Joint Chiefs of Staff today announced that members of the KISS Army have been issued orders to stand down and cease all their activities at once.
“Due to budgetary constraints, it is no longer feasible for the United States to support a standing KISS Army,” said Pentagon spokesperson Col. Nancy Bushmiller. “Members of the KISS Army will be removed from their field positions and will be back in their meager apartments within 30 days.”
“Look, the Administration had to make some tough decisions,” said a Department of Defense official under the condition of anonymity. “But the hard truth of the matter is that we can no longer afford to rock and roll all night. And we certainly cannot party every day. Not in this economy.”
“We feel betrayed having our forces reduced,” said KISS guitarist Paul Stanley. “Without an Army, it’s going to be difficult to maintain cultural relevance. The same thing happened to Nugent.”