Man Concerned About Who Gets Free Candy

- – – Chicago, IL

Chicago resident James Whale expressed concern today as to what individuals would get free candy from him next Friday night on Halloween, while tacitly attempting to not sound racist.

These treats should only be given to people within a few blocks of Whale’s house. Photo by TheCulinaryGeek from Chicago, USA Under a Creative Commons CC-BY-2.0 license

“I love seeing the neighborhood kids in their costumes getting candy,” Whale said. “The little ghosts and vampires are hilarious. But, you know, I’m not real happy when….other people show up.”

When pressed for details Whale had a difficult time expressing them. “Well, you know. It’s just that people come in from other neighborhoods and take the candy I was giving away,” Whale said while meticulously weighing bags of fun sized candies at Costco. “It’s just, I don’t know, not right.”

When asked what differentiates the trick-or-treaters that trouble him, Whale said “They come from…other neighborhoods. Some of them are too old to be trick-or-treating. Some of them don’t have costumes. You know what I mean.”

“Look, I don’t mind when my neighbor’s kids bring a bunch of friends over, but that’s different. They, I don’t know, belong here,” Whale said while considering a sack of individual candy corn bags. “You know what I mean.”

“It’s not that I mind the expense. I love buying candy for kids. I just, oh, think it should only be for kids in my neighborhood. Or at least my socioeconomic status. You know what I mean.”

During the course of the thirty minute conversation, Whale steadfastly avoided the mention of trick-or-treaters’ race.

“Oh well, I guess I’ll just get some spare candy for…them. You know what I mean, the out of neighborhood trick-or-treaters,” Whale said while putting a couple of large bags of those disgusting candies wrapped in black and orange paper into his basket.

New Form Proposed for Entry Into United States

- – – Washington, D.C.

In response to the recent discovery of a man in Dallas with a confirmed case of the deadly Ebola virus, the Department of Homeland Security (“DHS”) has proposed a new form and protocol to be followed for individuals entering the United States.

The form states:

1. Have you come from a county where there’s been any Ebola or been in a country with Ebola in the past three weeks?
2. If no, off you go!
3. If yes, go sit in that comfy room for the next three weeks. We’ll give you free cable, wi-fi access, a phone, and tasty food and what not. But you can not leave for three weeks.
4. During that time did you show signs of Ebola?
5. If no, off you go!
6. If yes, well, then it’s to an appropriate hospital with you!

“I think this beats our current policy of looking at people as they enter the country to see if they look like they are all Ebolaey,” said DHS spokesperson Ellen Rice-Piaff. “And, no, I don’t even know if that’s a real word.”

Anti-Hipster Movement Underway

— Dallas, TX

Members of a growing group of so-called “anti-hipsters” met this week for their first convention in Dallas.

“We considered Austin, but really like the vibe of a big, corporate heavy city,” Anti-Hipster Association (AHA) president Cheryl Barnes said. “They’ve got lots of great chain restaurants here that we can enjoy unironically.”

Members of AHA strive to be “annoying like conventional hipsters, only in the complete opposite way,” Barnes said, as she switched her Pandora station to a Green Day station. “I love these guys. American Idiot is really great.”

AHA members take part in various activities and panels at their convention. Hank Sinke spoke at the panel titled “All The Great Stuff On Television”. “We were talking about the Game of Thrones series when someone asked me if I’d read the books. Well, I told him in no uncertain terms that I don’t have any books in my house. That put him in his place,” Sinke said.

Convention goers met for a late night “Games and Beers” session, during which they played some UNO.

“These late night sessions are great, but tiring,” said AHA member Raymond Garza. “I always feel like I ought to shave before going to bed just to avoid having too much facial hair.”

The AHA convention continues today with panels including “Traditional Media Is Ok By Me!”, “I Don’t Get It: An Explanation of Irony”, and “Bicycles: Who Needs Them When Our Cars Work Just Fine? (Answer: No One).”

“I’m not sure if this is a growing movement that represents a shift in social paradigms, or if it’s just a bunch of dopes,” said Dr. Evelyn Norman, University of Texas Sociology Professor. “But it seems like it’s just a bunch of dopes.”