Stand-Up Lingo Revealed!

Here’s a generic picture of a comedy club with a brick wall! By Texaswebscout (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
- New York, NY

As in most industries, the stand-up comedy has its own lingo that insiders use to do their work and that helps those who work in the business feel like insiders, which is important due to the fragile egos involved in every aspect of the comedy business.

We have uncovered a list of “inside terms” that we want to share with you so you can feel just as special as a comedian, if even for a fleeting moment.

1. Headliner - Typically the final comic of the night on a show, and usually the one that is most famous or experienced, if not necessarily the funniest.

2.  Opener -  The first comic of the night (usually after the emcee).  This comic usually has less material than the headliner, and is often bitter that they are the opener.

3.  The French Reprieve - The act between the opener and the headliner.  This act is usually a mime.

4.  A Tight  [X]  - X is a number of minutes.  This is how much time a comic states they have ready to go that is really good and show ready.  The number stated is usually double the amount that is accurate.

5.  A Sloppy 20 - A comic performs an entire 20 minute set while their clothes are practically covered in nacho cheese and ranch dressing.

6.  Getting the Light - When a comic’s time is almost up, someone shines a flashlight at them from the back of the room to alert them to wrap up their set.

7.  Getting the Pipe Wrench - When a comic refuses to pay attention to the light, a club owner will often hit them on the head with a pipe wrench.

8.  Open Mic - A show in which comics, new and old, are allowed to go up on stage and work out material and/or gain experience.  It is also an excellent opportunity to do the same material in front of other open mic comics once a week for several years.

9.  Open Living Room - A situation in which would be comics corner people at parties, wakes, and book club meetings and regale people with jokes that are usually not funny.

10.  Sally Shocker - A female comic who uses offensive material in an effort to get a cheap laugh.  Male comics who do this are called “male comics”.

11.  Pulling a Gorshin - A comic who does impressions but without any actual material. They just quote something some celebrity said in a movie.

12.  Hack - A comedian who uses old, obvious and often stupid material.  In the alternative, a comedian’s term for any other comic who is more successful than them.

13.  A Nipsey Hustle - Stealing material from Nipsey Russell.  Common among new open
mic comics.

Do not steal from this man.

14.  Papering the Room - A club’s practice of giving out free tickets so routinely that patrons rarely, if ever, actually pay to see a show.

15.  Closing the Club - Often the result of papering the room.

 

Michael Jackson Prank Called Russell Crowe

- – Hollywood, CA

By Eva Rinaldi Uploaded by MyCanon (Russell Crowe) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Recent reports revealed that King of Pop Michael Jackson allegedly spent years prank calling Gladiator’s Russel Crowe, despite the fact that the two never met.  Today, our staff obtained transcripts of some of these calls, and present them here in an exclusive report:

<TELEPHONE RING>
RC: <Unintelligible grunt>
MJ: Is Mr. Wall there?
RC: Who the hell is this?
MJ: Is Mrs. Wall there?
RC: Seriously, mate, I will flat out murder you.
MJ: Are any walls there?
RC: I will bury your family and burn down their dreams.
MJ: How does your roof stay up? hehehe
RC: Ok, Michael Jackson, that’s pretty funny.
MJ: Thank you, Russell Crowe. Want to get ice cream and watch some movies?
RC: I guess.
MJ: I’ll have the movies. You bring the ice cream.
RC: What kind do you want?
MJ: Do you have Breyers in a tub?
RC: Yeah.
MJ: Better let him out before he gets all wrinkly, he-he!
RC: Never call me again, or I swear to all that is holy I will put you in a bag with 8 rabid dingos and chuck you into a pit.
<CONNECTION BROKEN>

<TELEPHONE RING>
RC: <Cranky muttering>
MJ:  Is Mr. Max there?
RC: Michael Jackson, is that you?
MJ:  Aww, now, don’t be mad, Max! Hehe!
RC: That’s Mel Gibson you stupid bastard. Call me again and I’ll eat your monkey!
MJ: Thunderdome!
RC: <Expletive Deleted>
<CONNECTION BROKEN>

<TELEPHONE RING>
RC: <Unable to hear over loud didgeridoo playing>
MJ:  Excuse me, is your refrigerator running?
RC: Look, Michael, I know it’s you. Stop this right now!
MJ:  Well, if it is, you better run after it real fast!
RC: That’s not even the right joke, you <Expletive Deleted>.
MJ:  Yes it is.
RC:  No, it’s not.  It’s “Is your refrigerator running?” “Yes.” “Well, you better go catch it, then!” See, mate?
MJ: Sorry to have bothered you.
<CONNECTION BROKEN>

<TELEPHONE RING>
RC: <Unintelligible due to Men At Work’s Down Under playing in background>
MJ: Is your refrigerator running?
RC: <Expletive Deleted> you, Michael.
MJ: Hehe!
<CONNECTION BROKEN>

<TELEPHONE RING>
RC: <Can’t hear over sound of smashing glass>
MJ:  Is Amanda Huggenkiss there?
RC: You just saw that on the Simpsons, jackass.
MJ:  Hehe!
RC: I will set your head on fire!
<CONNECTION BROKEN>

Putin Disappearance Explained

- St. Petersburg, Russia

Russian President Vladimir Putin today made his first public appearance since March 5 with an explanation of his activities, and a denial of any health issues.

Putin’s unusual absence from the spotlight had lead many to speculate that the Russian leader was ill or even deceased.

“As capitalist stooge Mark Twain once said, ‘Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated,'” Putin said during a break in talks with Kyrgyz President Almazbek Atambayev taking place today in St. Petersburg.   “And I am as fit as an yak. And not a sickly yak either!”

Vladimir Putin fills out an application to attend a Carcassonne tournament next month at Moscow Gamecon ’15.  Photo by Kremlin.ru [CC BY 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Putin explained that his multi-day disappearance was due to the fact that he had been locked into an intense Settlers of Catan tournament that lasted longer than expected.  Settlers of Catan is a board game in which players attempt to gather resources, build various structures and roads, and make endless jokes involving wood and sheep.

“I made it through to the finals,” Putin explained.  “I am merciless in my ability to trade wheat for ore!”

Apparently, the tournament was scheduled to end two days earlier, but there was a run of circumstances that caused delays.

“The robber, wiley Cossack that he is, kept moving to places that delayed us all.  He made it nearly impossible to gather needed resources and made the games last far too long,” Putin explained. “Still, he was no match for Vladimir!”

Putin stated that in order to prove he is healthy, he will engage in a boxing match tomorrow afternoon with a bear.  He added he will not wear a shirt for this event.

This is not the first in which a world leader disappeared due to a board game situation.  President Gerald Ford was absent from public view for a week once due to an overly long Yahtzee tournament, and French President Jacques Chirac would routinely miss meetings because he was “way into Magic: The Gathering,” according to a random French person.

 

Country Radio Stations Ban Albums By GOP Senators

- Nashville, TN

The National Association of Country Music Broadcasters (“NACMB”) today announced that all albums by GOP senators who signed a letter to Iran are banned on member station airwaves.

“We have a long standing policy of banning albums by people that bad mouth the U.S.A. and the President to foreign nations or on foreign soil,” said Bonnie McReba, NACMB President. “When the Dixie Chicks pulled their little treason stunt in England back in ’03, we were swift to punish them. We have no choice but to do the same to those traitors in the Senate.”

The banning follows an open letter signed by 47 Republican senators to Iranian leaders indicating any agreement reached with the Obama administration on issues relating to nuclear materials would not “count” and would not last beyond the current administration.

“Country music fans are nothing if not intellectually honest and consistent,” McReba said. “Can you imagine how mad they are that someone is bad mouthing our current President?  We really have to take this action or face huge blowback from our listeners.”

He may be grinning, but based on today’s decision he won’t be picking.

A spokesperson for Senator Tom Cotton, the Arkansas Republican who spearheaded the letter said, “Obviously, we are very disappointed in [NAMCB]’s decision.  But, we have to do what we feel is right for America.  It’s just sad that anyone who wants to hear Senator Cotton’s new album Jug Band Hootenanny will have to go through iTunes or the Senator’s website.”

Top tracks from that album include Why You Done Kilt My Dog?, She Don’t Know Why She Left (But She Did), and Obama Ain’t Nothing But A Dang Stinkbug.

The Llamashank Redemption

— Hollywood, CA

The reported star of The Llamashank Redemption, Llama Freeman. By Schuyler Shepherd (Own work) [CC BY-SA 2.5 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5)], via Wikimedia Commons
The internet was abuzz yesterday as two llamas busted loose from a trailer in Sun City, Arizona and went on a mad spree, evading recapture for a period of time. This event mesmerized the nation.  As a result, director Frank Darabont has announced he will be making a film based on the event.  The film will be titled The Llamashank Redemption.

We have managed to obtain an exclusive early copy of an outline of potential dialogue and plot points to the film:

1.  Llama initially wrongly captured, after having been framed as a sheep.

2.  “I’d like to tell you those llamas got away. I’d like to tell you that.”

3.  Cruel llama warden places llama in the hole, sheers them even when it is chilly

4.  One older llama does escape, but is unable to assimilate into llama society, ultimately leading him to commit llamacide.

5.  Llama curries favor with guards and warden by doing their taxes.

6.  Llama gets in trouble by bleeting an aria for an opera to improve the morale of fellow llamas. This causes one llama to deliver this speech “I have no idea to this day what that llama was bleeting about. Truth is, I don’t want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I’d like to think he was bleeting about something so beautiful, it can’t be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, that bleeting soared higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful alpaca wandered into our drab little cage and made those walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last last llama in Llamashank felt free.”

7.  Llama impresses fellow prisoners by getting guards to give them some delicious hay for the work they perform.

8.  Escape effectuated by placing a sexy llama poster over a hole in the trailer.

9. White llama gets away.  Years later black llama finds him at magical Mexican llama resort.

10.  Stirring closing speech “Sometimes it makes me sad, though, that other llama being gone. I have to remind myself that some llamas aren’t meant to be caged. Their wool is just too wooly.. And when they run away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they’re gone. I guess I just miss my friend. Who is a llama.”