– Little Rock, AR
Jeffrey Nanners, a 58 year old auto mechanic, announced today that the current high temperatures experienced by much of the country in no way proves that “global warming is a thing.”
“Temperatures change and get high in the Summer. It doesn’t prove anything,” Nanners said.
These comments appear to be contrary to remarks Nanners made last winter when he sarcastically said “Guess that’s just global warming, huh?” during an ice storm. He was also heard to say “Where’s all that global warming you hear about?” while shoveling snow from his driveway.
“There’s nothing inconsistent with my views at all. If it’s hot in the summer for many many days, that proves that global warming isn’t real, because it’s supposed to be hot. If it’s cold in the winter for a couple of days, that also proves global warming isn’t real, because it’s supposed to be cold. Those are just facts,” Nanners said. “You can’t judge climate change based on a few days. Except in the winter.”
“Look, if global warming were real, we’d have these temperatures in February, and we don’t, do we, Poindexter?” Nanners asked reporter Poindexter McClure.
When asked whether or not Nanners had a point, Dr. Eleanor Rigsby, a climatologist with the National Aeronautics and Space Administration simply shook her head, sighed, and then threw a bunch of science on a table.
“Why is NASA even dealing with this. Unless they think the moon is somehow affecting stuff on Earth. Which is ridiculous,” Nanners said derisively.
– Washington, D.C.
In the wake of last week’s historic Supreme Court decision making same-sex marriage legal, the Obama administration has taken a strict interpretation of the ruling and ordered that every adult in America marry a same-sex partner.
“My administration reads the Obergfell decision as one mandating that the gay agenda be implemented fully and, if necessary, by force,” President Obama said in an address from the White House’s new Rainbow Room. “The time for change is literally now.”
Bruce Vilanch, the administration’s newly appointed Secretary of Super Gay Affairs, detailed more of the plans. “We began five minutes after the Supreme Court decision was announced. We loaded up black helicopters with our elite squad of “Do Ask and Do Tell” soldiers and went to everyone’s house, took their guns, and then used those guns to make the straights get divorced. You should have seen Clint Eastwood. He was so mad he’s still screaming at a chair!”
“At first I was confused and upset,” said 52 year old Michael Newton of Madison, Wisconsin. “I’d been married to Carol for 27 years, up until they took my gun, pointed it me and made me divorce her and marry some random guy. But, it’ll work out, I suppose. Chet seems nice.”
In addition to mandating gay marriages, the President added, “Oh, and all churches have to start performing gay wedding right now. Period. And don’t even think about not making gay wedding cakes, people. We will flat out Gitmo you if you do.”
President Obama explained the penalties for refusing to participate in the new so-called “Got Gay” initiative. “If you refuse to marry someone of your gender, you will hunt you down with a drone, send in troops and drag you before a death panel, just like the ones I saw as a young boy in Kenya. Yeah, that’s right. I’m from Kenya. Deal with that.”
The President then used a bunch of racial slurs for no reason, laughed and then announced that he had to leave to plan his wedding with Vice-President Joe Biden.
Immediately following the President’s press conference, Vilanch announced that his department will immediately get to work trying to legalize people getting married to children, dogs, three dentist at a time and “in Clint Eastwood’s case a chair! That’s a callback, people,” Vilanch said.
– Zurich, Switzerland
In the wake of recent arrests related to alleged corruption within the Federation Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) and the resignation of FIFA President Sepp Blatter, soccer’s premiere governing body has announced a series of sweeping reforms.
“Our goal is to not only cleanse the game of corruption, perceived and real, but also to make the game more accessible and interesting to the general public,” said FIFA spokesperson Newt Figgerson.
FIFA, along with every other major sports sanctioning organization in the world joined together in a day long conference in Zurich to announce changes to their events to increase the popularity of all sports on a global level.
The key reforms are listed below, with quotes from spokespeople from the various sanctioning organizations:
- Soccer: “We will just play until someone gets the first point and then be done with it. Game over. Go home. This will make the sport more bearable.”
- Basketball: “We are all tired of games in which the last couple of minutes last forever due to penalties stopping the clock. From now on, penalties don’t stop the clock. Instead we deduct points from the offending team. That’ll make them think twice before they go into this foul nonsense.”
- Boxing: “A match can only be won by knockout. Period. The end. That’s what people want to see. So let’s just be done with subjective scoring. You want to win a boxing match? You knock your opponent out. Bam. We’re done here.”
- Baseball: “I think we can all agree that baseball is a tedious, dull affair. To spice things up, from now on we’re going to include random breakaway balls that are filled with angry hornets. That’ll make things intriguing.” Baseball officials also announced that fans will be issued bats at all games, and they can, if so inclined, run onto the field and chase players while trying to “whale on them” with the bats.
- American Football: “Henceforth, quarterbacks cannot be taller than 5’4”. In addition, we’re getting rid of field goals, because field goals are for babies and losers.”
- Figure Skating: “We’re just going to stop pretending it’s a sport at all. Sorry we kept doing that.”
- Auto Racing: “We’re taking motors out of all vehicles and requiring drivers to propel their cars with their feet. Like Fred Flintstone. That’ll take real athleticism, and not just being able to turn left and press a pedal.”
- Quidditch: “Well, the problem with Quidditch is obvious, isn’t it? We’re going to make it so getting the Golden Snitch is not the one and only way to win this ill thought out sport. Muggle Hufflepuff Slytherin Wazoo!!!”
- Fencing: “Give them all pirate cutlasses, and have them fight over doubloons and such.”
- Golf: “We’re going to add an American Ninja style course between the tee and the putting surface. Make these guys prove they can do more than hit a ball with an expensive stick. The sport would do better if really out of shape guys can’t do well at it, don’t you think?”
- Swimming: “Fill the pools with Jell-o. It’ll be hilarious, and imagine the sponsorship dollars!”
- Hockey: “Give them all shotguns, and remove penalties.”
- All other sports: “Get rid of all other sports. Who needs nonsense like Cricket, skiing events and running around? Enough already.”