Obama Enforces Gay Marriage Law

By Ludovic Bertron from New York City, Usa [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
– Washington, D.C.

In the wake of last week’s historic Supreme Court decision making same-sex marriage legal, the Obama administration has taken a strict interpretation of the ruling and ordered that every adult in America marry a same-sex partner.

“My administration reads the Obergfell decision as one mandating that the gay agenda be implemented fully and, if necessary, by force,” President Obama said in an address from the White House’s new Rainbow Room.  “The time for change is literally now.”

Bruce Vilanch, the administration’s newly appointed Secretary of Super Gay Affairs, detailed more of the plans.  “We began five minutes after the Supreme Court decision was announced.  We loaded up black helicopters with our elite squad of “Do Ask and Do Tell” soldiers and went to everyone’s house, took their guns, and then used those guns to make the straights get divorced.  You should have seen Clint Eastwood. He was so mad he’s still screaming at a chair!”

“At first I was confused and upset,” said 52 year old Michael Newton of Madison, Wisconsin.  “I’d been married to Carol for 27 years, up until they took my gun, pointed it me and made me divorce her and marry some random guy. But, it’ll work out, I suppose.  Chet seems nice.”

In addition to mandating gay marriages, the President added, “Oh, and all churches have to start performing gay wedding right now. Period. And don’t even think about not making gay wedding cakes, people. We will flat out Gitmo you if you do.”

President Obama explained the penalties for refusing to participate in the new so-called “Got Gay” initiative.  “If you refuse to marry someone of your gender, you will hunt you down with a drone, send in troops and drag you before a death panel, just like the ones I saw as a young boy in Kenya. Yeah, that’s right. I’m from Kenya. Deal with that.”

The President then used a bunch of racial slurs for no reason, laughed and then announced that he had to leave to plan his wedding with Vice-President Joe Biden.

Immediately following the President’s press conference, Vilanch announced that his department will immediately get to work trying to legalize people getting married to children, dogs, three dentist at a time and “in Clint Eastwood’s case a chair! That’s a callback, people,” Vilanch said.

Comprehensive Sports Reforms Announced

By Bic (Wikimedia Commons) [Attribution or CC BY-SA 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

– Zurich, Switzerland

In the wake of recent arrests related to alleged corruption within the Federation Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) and the resignation of FIFA President Sepp Blatter, soccer’s premiere governing body has announced a series of sweeping reforms.

“Our goal is to not only cleanse the game of corruption, perceived and real, but also to make the game more accessible and interesting to the general public,” said FIFA spokesperson Newt Figgerson.

FIFA, along with every other major sports sanctioning organization in the world joined together in a day long conference in Zurich to announce changes to their events to increase the popularity of all sports on a global level.

The key reforms are listed below, with quotes from spokespeople from the various sanctioning organizations:

  1.  Soccer: “We will just play until someone gets the first point and then be done with it. Game over. Go home. This will make the sport more bearable.”
  2. Basketball: “We are all tired of games in which the last couple of minutes last forever due to penalties stopping the clock. From now on, penalties don’t stop the clock. Instead we deduct points from the offending team. That’ll make them think twice before they go into this foul nonsense.”
  3. Boxing: “A match can only be won by knockout. Period. The end. That’s what people want to see. So let’s just be done with subjective scoring. You want to win a boxing match? You knock your opponent out. Bam. We’re done here.”
  4. Baseball: “I think we can all agree that baseball is a tedious, dull affair. To spice things up, from now on we’re going to include random breakaway balls that are filled with angry hornets. That’ll make things intriguing.” Baseball officials also announced that fans will be issued bats at all games, and they can, if so inclined, run onto the field and chase players while trying to “whale on them” with the bats.
  5. American Football: “Henceforth, quarterbacks cannot be taller than 5’4”. In addition, we’re getting rid of field goals, because field goals are for babies and losers.”
  6. Figure Skating: “We’re just going to stop pretending it’s a sport at all. Sorry we kept doing that.”
  7. Auto Racing: “We’re taking motors out of all vehicles and requiring drivers to propel their cars with their feet. Like Fred Flintstone.  That’ll take real athleticism, and not just being able to turn left and press a pedal.”
  8. Quidditch:  “Well, the problem with Quidditch is obvious, isn’t it?  We’re going to make it so getting the Golden Snitch is not the one and only way to win this ill thought out sport.  Muggle Hufflepuff Slytherin Wazoo!!!”
  9. Fencing:  “Give them all pirate cutlasses, and have them fight over doubloons and such.”
  10. Golf:  “We’re going to add an American Ninja style course between the tee and the putting surface.  Make these guys prove they can do more than hit a ball with an expensive stick.  The sport would do better if really out of shape guys can’t do well at it, don’t you think?”
  11. Swimming:  “Fill the pools with Jell-o.  It’ll be hilarious, and imagine the sponsorship dollars!”
  12.  Hockey:  “Give them all shotguns, and remove penalties.”
  13. All other sports:  “Get rid of all other sports. Who needs nonsense like Cricket, skiing events and running around?  Enough already.”

Game of Mad Men: Top Pitches by Don Draper If He Were In Game Of Thrones

By Kigsz (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
1.  We’re not selling Westeros. We’re selling the idea of Westeros.

2.   When a woman buys a dragon, she’s not buying the dragon. She’s buying power. She’s buying the ability to soar above men. Dragons are the future, gentlemen, and we want to be in the dragon business if we don’t want to get left behind. Just don’t sell one to our wives.

3.  Of course you have to make it out of iron. It’s called the Iron Throne, for goodness sake. Don’t out clever yourself on this.

4.  We open on a tavern. A young, fat kid…wholesome sits at a table. He looks sad. We don’t know why. Light lute music plays. We stay ont his image, almost too long, but it’s just the right amount of time. Then we hear his mother saying ‘Hot pie! Hot pie!’ The kid looks up, and slowly his sad face turns into a giant grin. He is happier than any kid has ever been. Cut to black with simple lettering ‘Sarah Lee. Hot Pies.’ It’s simple. It’s real.

5.  Look, Peggy, the Many-Faced Gods account wants classic. They want mystery. They don’t want a bunch of hippie crap by your creatives.

6.  When a man buys a crossbow, he wants to feel like he’s buying more than a weapon. He wants to feel like he is omnipotent.  A dwarf wants to feel like he can kill a king. Tell a man that if he buys the crossbow he becomes ….a god.

7.  You’re seeing this wrong.  You don’t sell Budweiser to the Men of the Night’s Watch.  You let them sell Budweiser to the rest of the Seven Kingdoms.

8.  We show a woman, young, pretty.  She is standing outside looking over a cliff at a desolate field.  She shivers slightly.  A young man, classically handsome, walks up behind her and drapes a coat over her shoulder. She looks at him with pure love.  We put up text over this scene.  “Winter is coming.  Make sure she’s ready.  Christian Dior.”




Failed 2015 Fall Pilots

— Los Angeles, CA

The broadcast networks this week announced their new shows to begin airing in Fall 2015. While this was cause for television audiences to rejoice at the quality offerings headed their way, many producers, writers, performers and other industry insiders are cursing their fates as they learned their pilots had not been picked up.

Below is a list of some of the pilots that failed to find a television home:

Inconceivable!                By Yusuf Laher (dudephotography) [CC BY-SA 2.0 http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
1. Andre!: A series based on the 1981 film, My Dinner With Andre. The pilot starred Matt LeBlanc in the title role, with Richard Ayoade taking over the part played in the film by Wallace Shawn. The pilot featured the two main characters having dinner and talking about bugs the whole time.

2. Matter Eater Lad:  In an effort to cash in on the recent crop of super hero movies and television shows, this pilot featured Josh Gad as Tenzil Kim, an alien whose super power is the ability to eat stuff.  In the pilot, Tenzil foiled a bank robbery by eating the bank.

3.   The Billion Dollar Quiz!:  A nighttime game show in which the winner receives a billion dollars.  The problem was obvious when it was announced that the prize went to the one of three contestants who won a simple trivia game each night of the five night a week proposed show.

The now unemployed star of Stone and Manatee will return to his previous job of swimming about eating things.

4.  Stone and Manatee.  A buddy cop show starring unknown actor Will Negland and a manatee.  In the pilot, they solved a jewel heist that occurred in a Florida Marsh.

5.  Mother Most Vexatious! The mother (Carol Kane) of an Elizabethan playwright  (Joe Rogan) is acerbic and demanding.

6.  Law’s Law.  Sarah Law (Helena Johannson, who is apparently vaguely related to Scarlett, through marriage we think) is an attorney by day and also by night, as her job is fairly demanding.  In the pilot she spent the whole show reviewing documents produced pursuant to discovery requests in  fairly routine slip and fall case. Highlights includes a montage of highlighting things.

7.  Gitter Done.  A Larry the Cable Guy vehicle in which he playes Gitter Done, CEO of Done Manufacturing, a company that makes bucket handles.

8.  Mystery Island!  Strangers awaken on an island after falling asleep in their homes.  Over the course of the series, they would learn what drew them to the island and what the island represents.  In the pilot they just spent the whole hour talking about stuff they saw on Lost.

9.  Knightly News!  A comedy take on the day’s news as told by a Knight of the Round Table (H. Jon Benjamin).  Unfortunately, the punchline to each story was “What sorcery is this!”

10.  Monday Night Lights.  A spin-off off football series Friday Night Lights, but this one was set at a crafts class down at the community center.  In the first episode, the group made macrame owls and talked about Texas.

Ten Things You Should Not Say To People Who Are Scared Of Bees

By תמר פיליפ (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Many people are scared of bees. And for them, life is full of difficulty.  They are constantly surrounded by people who are not scared of bees and who are not sensitive to their concerns.  When dealing with people who are scared of bees, you should modify your behavior and avoid saying the following things:

1.  Hey, is that a bee?
2.  Look out, there are bees!
3.  Man, what if a bee got in here?
4.  I just found out your house was built on the site of an ancient bee burial ground.
5.  A bee! A bee! Look! Look! A bee!
6.  I neglected to tell you before you came over, but my apartment is also a free range bee farm.
7.  I’d like you to meet my friend Steve. He’s a dentist. And a bee.
8.  Wouldn’t it be weird if bees moved into people’s empty shoes at night?
9.  Hey, your car looks like a bee!
10.  Buzz Buzz Buzz. I’m a giant bee.