Ethnic Dining Assuages Guilt

— Memphis, TN

Last night Midtown Memphis resident Stan Dupp eradicated lingering guilt about being a middle class White male by taking his girlfriend to eat dinner at an authentic Mexican restaurant on Summer Avenue.

“This is what real Latinos and Latinas eat,” Dupp said, over pronouncing ‘Latino’ and ‘Latina’ while eating an order of pastor tacos. “It gets me in touch with other cultures and, at least for a little while, helps me forgive myself for my White privilege. Also, you know, it makes me feel like I’m doing better with the diversity.”

The White Guilt Platter is a local favorite. By Josette under a Creative Commons CC BY-SA 2.5 license

Dupp explains there’s an “ethnic hierarchy” behind his culinary choices. “We will eat authentic Latino/Latina food on an average White guilt day. But when things get really bad, I try to go deeper into the ethnic well.”

Last week, after he was pulled over for a traffic stop without getting a ticket, Dupp invited several white co-workers out for authentic dim sum. Following a promotion at his job, the same “posse” went out to sample genuine Ethiopian fare. “It was an especially guilty day and I had to do something,” Dupp said, adding that Injera, the stretchy bread served with Ethiopian stews, “really soaks in the guilt.”

“There’s so many kinds of ethnic food to choose from these days,” Dupp says, listing ethnic food options ranging from hummus and falafel to palak paneer and Korean barbecue.

“I tell all my younger friends they don’t know how good they have it,” he says. “When I was a younger, guiltier man the choices were limited to fried rice or maybe a gyro. But nowadays, sky’s the limit!”

A version of this article originally appeared on the Memphis Flyer’s Fly on the Wall Blog.

Annual Parenting Tips List Unveiled

- – - Atlanta, GA

Researchers at the National Institute for Questionable Parenting Choices (NIQPC) today came to the defense of  the parents of a one year who were attempting to circumnavigate the globe in a small sail boat with their baby.  The boat lost power some 900 miles off the coast of Mexico when the infant got ill, requiring a military rescue of the child.

“Hey, look, this kid will have a great story to tell. Even if he’s too young to actually form any memory of the trip whatsoever,” NIQPC spokesperson Mark Luddin, PhD said. “The point is the parents wanted to give this kid an adventure, and who are any of you to second guess that?  I just don’t see how anyone can reasonably claim that putting a one year old in a 36 foot long sail boat for a trip around the world in potentially violent seas, cut off from medical help can be considered anything but great for an infant.”

The NIQPC took the opportunity to also announce its list of parenting choices that are “certified awesome,” with the circumnavigation effort topping the chart.  The list follows:

1.  Putting an infant  in a small boat and sailing out to sea.

2.  Letting toddlers learn about wildlife by holding them by the arms and swinging them towards a bear.

Children love these things due to their vibrant colors! By Shenrich91 Under a Creative Commons CC-BY-SA-3.0 license.

3.  Getting your child a pet scorpion and/or black widow farm.

4.  Allowing your children to have hammer fights so they can learn carpentry skills while playing.

5.  Participating in the Tempe Arizona Scared Straight program for two year-olds.

6.  Enrolling in The L’il Matador pre-school.

7.  Providing milk to your infant from “Andy Lumpkin’s Expired Dairy Warehouse.”

8.  Creating a home version of Johnny Knoxville’s Jackass for Juniors.

9.  Third grade school theatrical production of Hostel.

10.  Choosing not to inoculate children based on the advice of a funny, naked lady.

Chicago Admits It Doesn’t Really Have Pizza

— Chicago, IL

In what appears to be an end to the brutal New York-Chicago Pizza War, Chicago officials today admitted that so called “Chicago Style” pizza is not, in fact, pizza at all.

“Look, Chicago deep dish pizza is delicious, but at the end of the day we gotta accept reality and admit it’s simply not pizza,” said Chicago Pizza Association spokesperson Dick Diwitski.

The Association’s admission follows a report issued last week by the Scientific Journal Of Pizza Pie, the nation’s premiere journal of pizza and science.  After an exhaustive study, the journal listed several factors that a pizza must have.  These include:

1.  Must come in slices
2. Must be edible without utensils
3. Must have cheese

“The cheese thing we got,” Diwitsky said.  ”But the other two, what can I say?”

Diwitsky noted that Association members fought over whether or not so called Chicago style pizza comes in slices, but ultimately members had to agree that “you can chop the things, but you sure as heck can’t use a real pizza cutter and expect to get anywhere with them.”

“At the end of the day, we got to admit that our dish is made in a pan and is really more of a ‘hot dish’ than anything else,” Diwitsky noted, adding that from now on Chicago style pizza would simply be called “Chicago-Italian casserole”.

When reached for comment, members of the New York Pizza Association were simply rude, belligerent, and spoke ill of the mothers of all parties involved.

Accountants Gear Up For Annual Con

— Columbus, OH

The accounting world is looking forward to their annual AccountiCon, the nation’s premiere fantasy accountancy convention, which kicks off in May in Columbus, Ohio.

“It’s a great opportunity for accountants and fans of accountants to get together and whoop it up,” said Society of Creative Accountancy and Bookkeeping (SCAB) president Penny Dollar.

Accountant Cosplayers from last year’s AccountiCon reenact a historical accounting scene

The convention is less about accounting and more about the celebration of accountancy, Dollar explained. “It gives accountants an opportunity to let down their hair and pretend to be other accountants.”

The event features a costume contest where participants dress as their favorite accountants in history. “Last year a guy won with a spot on costume of 1953 Accounting Hall of Fame winner Charles Ezra Sprague. It was really amazing,” Dollar said.

In addition to the costume contest, participants will take part in accounting games, attend workshops on how to better emulate famous accountants, take part in sing-alongs, dance the night away in the “Calculators and Tax Code Ball” and attend a night of stand up comedy by and for accountants.

“You can’t believe how funny some of these accountants can be. This year we expect our headliner to be Gary Feldbaum from the Mayweather Group out of Philadelphia. That guy is hilarious. And filthy. His bit about double entry accounting would make Richard Pryor blush,” Dollar explained.

SCAB officials are already looking ahead to Accounticon ’15. “We’ll schedule it for sometime after tax season, of course!” Dollar said. “We’ll pick a venue after analyzing a number of factors, putting them on a spreadsheet, and just getting hammered while running the numbers.”

A version of this story originally ran in The Memphis Flyer’s Fly On The Wall Blog.

Follow Up Report: Man Despondent Due To Mila Kunis’ Engagement

— Casper, WY

Alan Bundt today announced he is depressed and angry by reports that Mila Kunis is engaged to fellow former That 70′s Show star Ashton Kutcher.

File photo of Mila Kunis not dating Alan Bundt. Photo By Gage Skidmore under a Creative Commons CC-BY-SA 2.0 license

Bundt recently made news by announcing he was okay with the news that his celebrity crush Ellen Page was gay. At the time, he advised the media he was refocusing his energies on Ms. Kunis.

“I cannot catch a break,” Bundt said in a hastily called press conference held in the cafeteria of the high school in which he works as a guidance counselor. “Ellen’s news was tough. I respect her decision, but it made me sad. Now, the Kunis shoe drops? It’s just so, well, unfair.”

“He’s taking this pretty tough,” said Kelly Haines, a teacher at Bundt’s school. “He really had just gotten over the loss of a shot at Ellen Page when this happened. Poor guy.”

Neither Kunis nor Kutcher had any words of support or encouragement for the beleagured Bundt. A call to Kunis’ spokesperson about Bundt was met with a “Who?”

Bundt says he will carefully evaluate who his next celebrity crush will be, and will not issue any hasty decisions. “Look, I’ve got it narrowed down to two, but I’ve got to do my research and make sure they will work out,” Bundt said, while eating a tater tot.