The Howling Monkey Magazine

The Howling Monkey has taken what we feel is an interesting step.  We’ve expanded our offerings to include a new publication on Medium called The Howling Monkey Magazine.

You’ll find some of the articles from here on that publication.  But, that’s not why we are excited.  The magazine also features articles by some amazingly funny people.  So far nationally touring comic Mo Alexander has told a story about penguins, and the unbelievably witty Mary Jordan has started a column called “Get It Girl! Single Gal-ness in the City”.  It’s her take on being a 30 something single in Chicago. And it’s hilarious.  Her latest article will teach you how to be the ideal woman.  Go read it. It’s great stuff.

We hope to expand the magazine to include other writers.  If you’re interested in contributing, give us a shout at joe@thehowlingmonkey.com.

We hope you enjoy this exciting addition to the ever-expanding Howling Monkey family of entertainment.  Consider following the magazine on Medium, as we won’t cross post everything here.

Carry on.

State of the Union Response Divides GOP

— Washington, D.C.

Republican lawmakers are dealing with a rift in the party that was brought to light as a result of the GOP’s response to the President’s State of the Union Address.  Iowa Senator Jodi Ernst delivered the response and with it exposed a schism that had been lurking under the surface of the party.

During her response, Sen. Ernst told a story of how children used to wear bread bags on their feet to ward off the wet and cold.

“One loaf, one foot”

“I can’t believe she brought up that topic,” said one GOP senator on the condition of anonymity.  “It’s a major dividing line within the party which we’ve been able to keep out of the spotlight until now.”

The issue is relatively simple.  Some members of the GOP want to provide children with bread bag shoes, while others feel such a move would amount to big governmental intrusion into the affairs of the people.

“If you just start giving away bread bags all willy nilly, what does that do for the low quality sock trade that is a crucial part of our economy?” asked an anonymous Republican lawmaker.  “Sure, it sounds good on paper, but say it’s good to the hard-working sock makers in my district who would lose their jobs because the sock mills are closing down over socialized bags.”

Other lawmakers are concerned about abuse.  “How would you gauge who really needs bread bags versus the bread bag queens who are gaming the system?” asked conservative talk show host Dana Liberty.  “Besides, give these people bread bags, and the next thing you know they’re going to want free twist ties.  The entitlement culture never ends.”

“You know, when I was growing up, if my parents gave me a good old fashioned Wonder Bread bag for my feet, I’d be thrilled,” Liberty said. “But these kids expect Sarah Lee or even King’s Hawaiian Bread bags.  It doesn’t sound like they need help to get by. It sounds like they want to live in the lap of luxury on the taxpayers’ dime. The bag stops here!”

Some analysts feel that distributing bread bags to people would create positive economic effects.  “The secondary market would definitely benefit,” said Economics Professor Flip Noodles of Brown University.  “Someone’s going to have to serve as a bread bag cobbler.  Someone’s going to shine those bags.  So it’s really a vibrant stimulus to the economy.”

“Free bread bags would really help working parents,” Judith Horton with the Childrens’ Footwear Advocacy Center said. “Sure, most families can afford to buy a loaf of bread. But can they afford two? Or 50 in the case of a family with 23 kids and two parents?  It’s an outlier situation, admittedly. But, man, that’s a lot of bread.”

“Look my opposition is plain and simple,” said one anonymous Senator.  “I don’t want to start giving out free bread bags and then have some gluten intolerance group start protesting and claiming we are being discriminatory.  I don’t need that. Those gluten people are merciless.”

Academy Reacts To Claims Of Racism

— Hollywood, CA

640px-Hollywood_SignThe Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences (AMPAS) issued a response to criticism that all acting nominees for the 2015 Academy Awards are white. All twenty of them.

“The Academy has a rich history of supporting minority performers,” said AMPAS spokesperson Oscar Buzz. “From Hattie McDaniel in 1939 Lupita Nyong’o in 2013. Heck, we even gave one to Whoopi Goldberg, for goodness sake. So, it’s not like we’re a bunch of racists.”

“The reason we did not nominate any black performers this year is simple,” Buzz explained. “We have determined that, for whatever reason, all the black people in the movie business took the year off. It’s weird, but I guess they just decided, either as a group or separately that 2014, was a good year to go to Disneyland, or just chill out or whatever.”

Buzz added, “Well, I tried to ask a black person for a better explanation, but I simply don’t know any. And this just makes sense.”

When asked how to explain the movie, Selma, under this theory, Buzz said “Well, I didn’t see it. Is that a biopic for the delightful actress Salma Hayek? She’s a minority by the way.”

Sony executives reacted to this news by emailing each other a bunch of racist jokes.