New Proposed Slogans For United Airlines

 

 

By skinnylawyer from Los Angeles, California, USA (United Airlines – N14219) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Due to a series of missteps, United Airlines is mired in a public relations nightmare. In light of this, the airline could consider new slogans. We are happy to provide those here:

1.  United: Where there’s never an extra charge for carry-ons or savage beatings.

2. Fly the decidedly hostile skies of United.

3. United: Don’t even think of flying us while wearing leggings, you strumpets!

4. Fly United, where are in-flight meals are, like, the eighth worst thing about the experience.

5. At United, we loathe to fly with you, and it shows.

6. You think you’re better off with any of the others, chump?

7. United: We’re arguably a little better than Greyhound.

8. Like being manhandled? You’ll love flying United!

9. United. At least our flight attendants don’t try to be funny and what not!

10. Volunteer or get volunteered. With United it’s on you, punk.

11. Overbooking. It’s kind of our thing at United.

12. No shirts, no shoes, no problem! But leggings? That’s a great big stinking problem, you low-life!

13. United: We’re thinking about bringing smoking on flights back. Because why the hell not?

14. Fly United, unless you really need to be somewhere!

15. Air travel doesn’t have to be a drag. Unless we decide to drag you down the aisle. United!

16. United: Hey, we have a hub in Newark!

 

This is a parody, which, frankly, should be obvious.

Nightmare Scenarios

Photo: Nightmare Fuel by Michael Day from Flickr under a Creative Commons (CC-BY-2.0) license

There are some scenarios that are so horrible to consider that considering them should not be an option to a reasonable mind. But, therein lies the rub, dear readers. Our minds are not reasonable. Instead they are vaults of terror that no one was meant to endure.

Below are a list of my nightmare scenarios. Read them at your peril!

1.  Being trapped on the tour bus for Stomp. When they aren’t banging on stuff, they will explain to you the theories behind their art. Which they do insist on calling art.

2.  Attending a Nothing But Trouble film festival.

3.  Stuck on a deserted island with nothing to read but the Ayn Rand Omnibus.

4.  Forced to attend any kind of sing along event.

5. Receiving a position as a ghost writer for the comic strip, Mallard Filmore.

6.  Hosting a celebrity dinner that is attended only by the cast of Punky Brewster. Except for Soleil Moon Frye.

7. Leading a discussion group for seventh grade boys the day after they see Monty Python and the Holy Grail for the first time.

8.  Being tried by a jury of ducks. This one is admittedly unlikely and not currently permissible under U.S. law.

9. Going to the theater to see Les Miserables, only to find that the orchestra has been replaced by four guys playing recorders. WHICH I THOUGHT WAS ONLY LEGALLY PLAYABLE BY CHILDREN.

10. Speed dating with a bunch of squirrels.

11. Flying cross-country in the middle seat between Bill Maher and Alex Jones.

12.  Having a ham sandwich with no mustard or pickles. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME TODAY.

 

 

Radio Network Changes To All Seger Format

New York

Classic rock radio network, BlastNova Radio, has announced that effective immediately all 38 of their stations nationwide will change to an “all Seger” format.

Get ready for some old time rock and roll on BlastNova Radio affiliates. Photo by American Talent International (management) (eBay item photo front photo back) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
“I was listening to Bob Seger’s Katmandu during our ‘drive time rock out,’ and thought, hey, Seger’s awesome. Everyone loves him. So, why not program him 24/7?” said BlastNova President Brad Nubbin. “It just made sense. So, yea, Seger all the time that’s what I really think I’m gonna do.”

The decision has been met with mixed reactions from affiliate stations. “Look, we all love Seger. I mean, who doesn’t want to hear Turn the Page or Like a Rock every hour or so, but you got to break that up with some Skynard or Boston, you know?” said Kate Winters, program director with The Blizzard radio in Tampa.

“I was good with this, in theory, at least, until we were required to say Seger’s version of You Never Can Tell is the definitive one,” said Chuck “The Maxinator” Winger, morning DJ for Omaha’s The Megablast radio station.  “I mean, seriously? We just lost Chuck Berry and you want me to say that? Not cool, suits. Not cool.”

“Hey, we expect some push back on any format change,” Nubbin said. “But, hey, I didn’t get to this position without knowing what I’m doing. I’m shooting down the competition with silver bullets, pew pew.”

Nubbin said that to mix things up, BlastNova stations will play one song by Pete Seeger a week. “You know, that one about hobos or whatever,”Nubbin said. “That’ll rock, yeah?”