All posts by The Howling Monkey

The Unbearable Sadness of Peter, Paul, and Mary

The older I get, the more profoundly sad I find Puff The Magic Dragon to be.

Yes, I know you can find a pot metaphor in there. Some people think it’s about Vietnam.  But if you listen to it and take at face value as you move through middle age (which, let’s be honest, is an optimistic term at best at my stage of life), the song is nothing more than a gut punch about innocence and childhood lost.

I suppose as time moves on, I realize there’s no return to the Autumn mist of Honahlee. Those shores and its memories grow more and more distant with each passing year.

What really gets me, though, is having a kid who is still very much able to visit that land and frolic there carefree as can be. But I know that one day she too will sail away never to return to play along that cherry lane. And it’s heartbreaking in a way. We want our kids to be able to stay on that lovely isle, but we know they can’t. The world won’t let them, and they’re not even going to want to stay there, because of human nature.

But you know, there’s also this. Sometimes I’m not convinced we are all just Jackie Paper, moving on to finding other toys. Sometimes I think we are all Puff, retreating into our caves, heads bent in sorrow, as the world moves on and away, and we lose the bravery to scream our fearless roars.

For a time.

Dragons, by their nature, don’t stay sad forever. They eventually burst from their caves and fly majestically through the air. Then a tertiary character shows up and pops them with an arrow based on the advice of a bird. I’m not sure where I’m heading with this, the point is that Tolkien should have let a major character kill Smaug, instead of a random guy named Bard.  I mean, seriously.

Not a mighty dragon, but it seems happy at least.

I think the point is that we all lose our innocence and childlike wonder. We all retreat for a time into our metaphorical caves. And then we are randomly murdered by a resident of Laketown. Which is a lazy, dumb name.

But what do you expect from the guy who came up with Tom Bombadil. What was that all about?

Anyway, I think what I’m really getting at, is enjoy Honahlee while you can, and look back on it fondly. And whether you be the child that sails away or the dragon that’s left behind, you’ll find your way. You’ll find your life or your roar again. And then Bard will come out of nowhere and kill you.

Stupid Bard.

 

 

Alex Jones Infowars Adventures

Photo By Sebastian Grünwald (Own work) [CC BY 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
In the 1980’s, Infocom, a small company from Massachusetts, took the fledgling PC industry by storm with a series of interactive text “adventure” games. Most notably, the company produced the groundbreaking Zork series, which revolutionized the genre with its in-depth storytelling and complex puzzles.

The company shut down in the late 80’s, but many early gamers still look back on the adventures with a great sense of nostalgia.

Among those so entranced is right-wing radio talk show host Alex Jones. Spurred on by memories of the games and on a desire to capitalize on same, Jones started Infowars Adventures, and has produced a series of adventure games for his fans.  Following is a complete walk through of the first game in the Infowars Adventures series, Truth Seeker I, The Conspiracy!

*********

You wake up with no memory of the last 24 hours. Maybe your mind was wiped clean in a targeted chemtrails attack. Maybe Hillary Clinton sent you a pizza laced with mind control drugs she financed with profits from her murder for hire business that we all know exists right under our noses. It doesn’t matter, you are being deceived no matter how you look at it, because the devil is at play everywhere, and you need an ally to fight him every single day. Anyway, as you wipe your eyes, you find yourself in a clearing, on a sunny day. To the North you see a hillside with a CAVE. A path leads East into a FOREST. A STREAM is to the South.  What do you do?

> Go North

You are at a stream which is populated by frogs who have been turned gay because of a government plot to poison our children and advance the feminist elite agenda. Open your eyes, sheeple! There is nothing for you to do here but mourn the loss of innocence and masculinity is the country.

> Go South

You are back at the clearing. Now is a good time to consider buying some True-Man supplements to clear your head and bring back the virility that they tried to sap from you. It’s only $29.99. Order now because if you don’t we honestly won’t be able to afford to finish this game. I’m serious. I’ve already sold my car to keep this afloat!

> Enter Cave

The cave isn’t real. Don’t believe everything the tell you. The government wants you to believe in caves because that way they can keep you scared of caves. How can you fear the government when you are worried about caves? It’s that simple. We didn’t land on the moon. There are no caves. Open your eyes so you can see the devil for who he truly is. You are back in the clearing, and you seriously need to consider buying our Barack Obama Trumpet of Truth. Anytime Obama tries to tell one of his lies, which is anything he says, let’s be real, you blow the trumpet and show him what’s what. It’s not made of metal. It’s plastic. I want to be honest about that. But it damn sure wasn’t made in Kenya. $39.99. Seriously, we need your help to keep these games coming. They cost us about $65 million a year to make. I may have to sell more blood just to respond to your next command. I mean it, people.

> Go East

You enter a dark, murky forest. On the ground is a BOOK. All around you hear the screams of the stupid and the ignorant. You can also see as some hideous green-skinned aliens who smell like sulfur, spread disease, and who are here to take your children and turn them into servitors of the demonic one world order agenda. The path continues NORTH and SOUTH.

> Get Book

You are wise and have picked up a copy of “Dangerous” by Milo Yiannopoulos, a scorching take down of the liberal lame-stream media. Reading it shuts out the noise of the screaming fools on all sides,  terrifies the aliens forcing them to hide under rocks, and it is available direct for purchase from the Infowars web site for only $29.99. Keep this game and democracy alive. Buy it now. Oh, yeah, reading the book has shined a light or something on a hidden TEMPLE.

> Go Temple

It’s not that simple, my friends. The shadow government, the Dumbocrats, and the liberal elite Soros run media complex will do everything in their power to keep you out. They’ll fake a plague, friends. They’ll turn your neighbors into bisexual waiters. This is serious. And there’s only one way…ONE WAY…to beat Satan and enter the temple. And that’s to buy Truth Seeker II: The Righteous Adventurer. Available now on the Infowars web site for only $39.99. Keep the beacon of truth lit, friends. I’ve already had to rip out one kidney and sell it on the dark web to support these games. DON’T LET THE DEVIL WIN! IT’S JUST THAT SIMPLE.

The above is parody, which, frankly, should be obvious.