Category Archives: Fake News

Radio Network Changes To All Seger Format

New York

Classic rock radio network, BlastNova Radio, has announced that effective immediately all 38 of their stations nationwide will change to an “all Seger” format.

Get ready for some old time rock and roll on BlastNova Radio affiliates. Photo by American Talent International (management) (eBay item photo front photo back) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
“I was listening to Bob Seger’s Katmandu during our ‘drive time rock out,’ and thought, hey, Seger’s awesome. Everyone loves him. So, why not program him 24/7?” said BlastNova President Brad Nubbin. “It just made sense. So, yea, Seger all the time that’s what I really think I’m gonna do.”

The decision has been met with mixed reactions from affiliate stations. “Look, we all love Seger. I mean, who doesn’t want to hear Turn the Page or Like a Rock every hour or so, but you got to break that up with some Skynard or Boston, you know?” said Kate Winters, program director with The Blizzard radio in Tampa.

“I was good with this, in theory, at least, until we were required to say Seger’s version of You Never Can Tell is the definitive one,” said Chuck “The Maxinator” Winger, morning DJ for Omaha’s The Megablast radio station.  “I mean, seriously? We just lost Chuck Berry and you want me to say that? Not cool, suits. Not cool.”

“Hey, we expect some push back on any format change,” Nubbin said. “But, hey, I didn’t get to this position without knowing what I’m doing. I’m shooting down the competition with silver bullets, pew pew.”

Nubbin said that to mix things up, BlastNova stations will play one song by Pete Seeger a week. “You know, that one about hobos or whatever,”Nubbin said. “That’ll rock, yeah?”

Denver Excited To Be Team To Be Beat By Carolina In Super Bowl

 

 

Manning prepares for enormous loss.  Photo by  Jeffrey Beall [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Manning prepares for enormous, soul shattering loss.  Photo by Jeffrey Beall [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
—Denver, Co

The Denver Broncos, fresh off their 20-18 win over New England in the AFC Championships, are preparing for the challenge of losing to Carolina in the Super Bowl.

“We can’t focus on yesterday’s win,” said Denver Quarterback Peyton Manning in a news conference this morning. “We have to plan and get ready to be beat in the Super Bowl. We are up for the job.”

The Carolina Panthers mercilessly thrashed the Arizona Cardinals 49-15 in the NFC championships, and went 15-1 in the regular season.

“Look, we are a great team. Peyton is a legend. But are we as good as the Panthers? Don’t be ridiculous,” said Broncos’ head coach Gary Kubiak.  “I mean, seriously.”

“I am looking forward to spending my final game as a professional football player getting beat and beat badly by Cam [Newton] and the stellar Panthers squad. It will be the perfect cap to my career,” Manning said.

“We all know we are going to get beat. We just hope to beat the spread,” Kubiak said.

Currently, Las Vegas odds makers favor the Panters by “eleventy billion and a half points.”

Super Bowl 50 is set to kick off February 7 at 6:30 p.m. Eastern.  It is scheduled to be over for all intents and purposes by 6:40.

 

Secrets of the New Star Wars Revealed!

 

 

Prepare for the Attack of the Steves! By Eva Rinaldi from Sydney Australia (Star Wars EP1 3D Uploaded by russavia) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Prepare for the Attack of the Steves!                                                                                                                                                     By Eva Rinaldi from Sydney Australia (Star Wars EP1 3D Uploaded by russavia) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
– – –  Hollywood, CA

The highly anticipated Star Wars: The Force Awakens officially releases December 18.  Industry analysts believe the movie will make “North of a gajillion damn dollars” on opening weekend.  Some are concerned that fans of the sci-fi series will be disappointed, but others disagree.

“It’s ridiculous to think fans won’t love this new movie,” said one anonymous studio potentate.  “If we know nothing else, it’s that Star Wars fans specifically and sci-fi fans in general are incredibly easy to please and are not prone to complaining.”

Some plot points of the movie have started to trickle out in leaks, much like a nerf herder or something.  The Howling Monkey has compiled the following list of spoilers. Read at your own peril, because it’s a trap!:

1.  Han Solo spends entire movie in a bathrobe, puttering around declaring he is “too old for this space crap.”

2.  Jar Jar Binks revealed to be a Sith Lord.

3.  Luke Skywalker revealed to actually be Jar Jar Binks.

4.  All stormtroopers now black and named “Steve”.

5.  Princess Leia is now just a crazy old cat lady who drinks fancy cocktails and speaks with a Southern drawl.

6.  Ewoks have all been converted to couch pillows.

7.  Jabba the Hut’s son is a galaxy-wide known fitness guru named Slim Goodbody.

8.  Chewbacca battling Wookie pattern baldness.

9.  Death Star technology, now in the hands of some weird, vaguely racist group of aliens, now includes grates over exhaust vents, making it more difficult to blow them up.

10.  Senator Pmurt now rules the galaxy with an iron fist and repeatedly threatens to blow up “bad aliens”.

11.  Hero of the movie is Huckleberry Finn, who is the daughter of Han Solo and Mark Twain.

12. Darth Vader remembered as “Not THAT bad a guy” by several historical revisionists who wear fedoras.

13.  Lando Calrissian constantly getting it on with the ladies on the retirement planet of MeAmee.

14.  Wedge shows up for no good reason.

15.  Kirk and Picard meet at Mos Eisley Cantina and laugh and laugh.

16.  A Wampa appears in the desert of Tatooine in the first act.  His appearance is never satisfactorily explained, and in the end, everyone in Star Wars will be revealed to have just been having a dream. Or they were in purgatory. Whatever.

Rejected Horror Movies

On Flickr by FICG.mx under a Creative Commons CC By 2.0 license
A scene from the rejected “Nosfera2: Undead Boogaloo” On Flickr by FICG.mx under a Creative Commons CC By 2.0 license

As Halloween approaches, it bears noting that every year, filmmakers produce roughly 6,349 horror movies worldwide.*  Despite this terrifyingly high number of films, major studios still ax numerous proposed scary movies.  Here are just a few of those rejections.

1.  Nightmare on Elmo Street:  A puppet enters people’s dreams and irritates them to death.

2.  The Tony Blair Witch Project:  Found footage of former British prime minister as he is chased by a comical witch, who is actually a man in drag, all to the sounds of Yakkety Sax.

3.  Friday the 13th: Jason’s Reflections: A hockey masked psychopath strolls through the woods ruminating on the works of Walt Whitman.

4.  Uncle Tom’s Cabin In The Woods:  Rejected as being too racist.

5.  Larry the Cable Guy Meets Frankenstein:  Rejected as being too racist.

6.  You Will Be Terrified!:  Producers rejected this film, which consisted of a woman looking at the camera and simply saying “Boo!” repeatedly over the course of its proposed 90 minute run time, as they felt it was too scary.

7.  The Baba Ganoush:  A family is tormented by an eggplant dip that has spoiled.

8.  The Really Evil Dead:  Legal nixed this blatant ripoff of the Evil Dead franchise with David Schwimmer attached as Nash Billiams fighting an army of undead porcupines for some reason or another.

9. Psycho Killer:  A concert film of Talking Heads performing one song repeatedly.

10.  Dracula vs. Twilight:   Dracula massacres the wimpy tween fiction vampires in the first five minutes of the movie.  Then he skulks around a castle going “Blah blah blah”.  Budgetary constraints halted this.

11. Halloween In A Submarine!: Mike Meyers somehow enters the Beatles classic Yellow Submarine and wreaks havoc on the residents of Pepperville as the lads from Liverpool give chase. Couldn’t get music rights cleared.

* Source: A wise hobo found wandering ’bout on the outskirts of town.

Global Warming Debunked

Image from egghead scientists at NASA. 

 

– Little Rock, AR

Jeffrey Nanners, a 58 year old auto mechanic, announced today that the current high temperatures experienced by much of the country in no way proves that “global warming is a thing.”

“Temperatures change and get high in the Summer.  It doesn’t prove anything,” Nanners said.

These comments appear to be contrary to remarks Nanners made last winter when he sarcastically said “Guess that’s just global warming, huh?” during an ice storm.  He was also heard to say “Where’s all that global warming you hear about?” while shoveling snow from his driveway.

“There’s nothing inconsistent with my views at all.  If it’s hot in the summer for many many days, that proves that global warming isn’t real, because it’s supposed to be hot.  If it’s cold in the winter for a couple of days, that also proves global warming isn’t real, because it’s supposed to be cold.  Those are just facts,” Nanners said. “You can’t judge climate change based on a few days. Except in the winter.”

“Look, if global warming were real, we’d have these temperatures in February, and we don’t, do we, Poindexter?” Nanners asked reporter Poindexter McClure.

When asked whether or not Nanners had a point, Dr. Eleanor Rigsby, a climatologist with the National Aeronautics and Space Administration simply shook her head, sighed, and then threw a bunch of science on a table.

“Why is NASA even dealing with this. Unless they think the moon is somehow affecting stuff on Earth. Which is ridiculous,” Nanners said derisively.