Category Archives: Fake News

Radio Network Changes To All Seger Format

New York

Classic rock radio network, BlastNova Radio, has announced that effective immediately all 38 of their stations nationwide will change to an “all Seger” format.

Get ready for some old time rock and roll on BlastNova Radio affiliates. Photo by American Talent International (management) (eBay item photo front photo back) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
“I was listening to Bob Seger’s Katmandu during our ‘drive time rock out,’ and thought, hey, Seger’s awesome. Everyone loves him. So, why not program him 24/7?” said BlastNova President Brad Nubbin. “It just made sense. So, yea, Seger all the time that’s what I really think I’m gonna do.”

The decision has been met with mixed reactions from affiliate stations. “Look, we all love Seger. I mean, who doesn’t want to hear Turn the Page or Like a Rock every hour or so, but you got to break that up with some Skynard or Boston, you know?” said Kate Winters, program director with The Blizzard radio in Tampa.

“I was good with this, in theory, at least, until we were required to say Seger’s version of You Never Can Tell is the definitive one,” said Chuck “The Maxinator” Winger, morning DJ for Omaha’s The Megablast radio station.  “I mean, seriously? We just lost Chuck Berry and you want me to say that? Not cool, suits. Not cool.”

“Hey, we expect some push back on any format change,” Nubbin said. “But, hey, I didn’t get to this position without knowing what I’m doing. I’m shooting down the competition with silver bullets, pew pew.”

Nubbin said that to mix things up, BlastNova stations will play one song by Pete Seeger a week. “You know, that one about hobos or whatever,”Nubbin said. “That’ll rock, yeah?”

Denver Excited To Be Team To Be Beat By Carolina In Super Bowl

 

 

Manning prepares for enormous loss.  Photo by  Jeffrey Beall [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Manning prepares for enormous, soul shattering loss.  Photo by Jeffrey Beall [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
—Denver, Co

The Denver Broncos, fresh off their 20-18 win over New England in the AFC Championships, are preparing for the challenge of losing to Carolina in the Super Bowl.

“We can’t focus on yesterday’s win,” said Denver Quarterback Peyton Manning in a news conference this morning. “We have to plan and get ready to be beat in the Super Bowl. We are up for the job.”

The Carolina Panthers mercilessly thrashed the Arizona Cardinals 49-15 in the NFC championships, and went 15-1 in the regular season.

“Look, we are a great team. Peyton is a legend. But are we as good as the Panthers? Don’t be ridiculous,” said Broncos’ head coach Gary Kubiak.  “I mean, seriously.”

“I am looking forward to spending my final game as a professional football player getting beat and beat badly by Cam [Newton] and the stellar Panthers squad. It will be the perfect cap to my career,” Manning said.

“We all know we are going to get beat. We just hope to beat the spread,” Kubiak said.

Currently, Las Vegas odds makers favor the Panters by “eleventy billion and a half points.”

Super Bowl 50 is set to kick off February 7 at 6:30 p.m. Eastern.  It is scheduled to be over for all intents and purposes by 6:40.

 

Secrets of the New Star Wars Revealed!

 

 

Prepare for the Attack of the Steves! By Eva Rinaldi from Sydney Australia (Star Wars EP1 3D Uploaded by russavia) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Prepare for the Attack of the Steves!                                                                                                                                                     By Eva Rinaldi from Sydney Australia (Star Wars EP1 3D Uploaded by russavia) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
– – –  Hollywood, CA

The highly anticipated Star Wars: The Force Awakens officially releases December 18.  Industry analysts believe the movie will make “North of a gajillion damn dollars” on opening weekend.  Some are concerned that fans of the sci-fi series will be disappointed, but others disagree.

“It’s ridiculous to think fans won’t love this new movie,” said one anonymous studio potentate.  “If we know nothing else, it’s that Star Wars fans specifically and sci-fi fans in general are incredibly easy to please and are not prone to complaining.”

Some plot points of the movie have started to trickle out in leaks, much like a nerf herder or something.  The Howling Monkey has compiled the following list of spoilers. Read at your own peril, because it’s a trap!:

1.  Han Solo spends entire movie in a bathrobe, puttering around declaring he is “too old for this space crap.”

2.  Jar Jar Binks revealed to be a Sith Lord.

3.  Luke Skywalker revealed to actually be Jar Jar Binks.

4.  All stormtroopers now black and named “Steve”.

5.  Princess Leia is now just a crazy old cat lady who drinks fancy cocktails and speaks with a Southern drawl.

6.  Ewoks have all been converted to couch pillows.

7.  Jabba the Hut’s son is a galaxy-wide known fitness guru named Slim Goodbody.

8.  Chewbacca battling Wookie pattern baldness.

9.  Death Star technology, now in the hands of some weird, vaguely racist group of aliens, now includes grates over exhaust vents, making it more difficult to blow them up.

10.  Senator Pmurt now rules the galaxy with an iron fist and repeatedly threatens to blow up “bad aliens”.

11.  Hero of the movie is Huckleberry Finn, who is the daughter of Han Solo and Mark Twain.

12. Darth Vader remembered as “Not THAT bad a guy” by several historical revisionists who wear fedoras.

13.  Lando Calrissian constantly getting it on with the ladies on the retirement planet of MeAmee.

14.  Wedge shows up for no good reason.

15.  Kirk and Picard meet at Mos Eisley Cantina and laugh and laugh.

16.  A Wampa appears in the desert of Tatooine in the first act.  His appearance is never satisfactorily explained, and in the end, everyone in Star Wars will be revealed to have just been having a dream. Or they were in purgatory. Whatever.

Trump Reveals Campaign As Elaborate Performance Art

— New York

Trump ends the act. Photo by Gage Skidmore [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Trump ends the act. Photo by Gage Skidmore [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Donald Trump today revealed that his entire campaign for the GOP presidential nomination has been nothing more than a piece of performance art that he hope will make the nation “really stop and think.”  The revelation follows what can only be described as an hour and half diatribe last night in which he compared Dr. Ben Carson to a child molester, called Iowans stupid, claimed he’d bomb the S**t out of ISIS, called Marco Rubio weak as a baby, and demonstrated knife fighting techniques.

“Last night was the culmination of a long term art piece,” Trump said today. “It’s a work I call ‘The Soul Mirror’, because everything I’ve said or done in this campaign is a reflection on the American voter. It’s not pretty, is it?”

Trump, who requested that going forward people refer to him by his artist name “Vox Populis” went on to apologize to anyone who was offended by the work, adding “Sometimes art hurts. Sometimes it makes you look foolish. But a great artist cannot be afraid.  I’m a lot like Yoko Ono in that respect.”

“My performance on Saturday Night Live last week was really a side piece to the main work.  I called it ‘Tears of the Clown,’ and I think it really makes the sheeple have to think about whether or not they must accept that something is comedy merely because they are told it is.  The answer should be no.”

The erstwhile Trump revealed that his entire career up to this point has been a gradual introduction of this piece. “I had to get rich to put this together. I had to get famous. I had to be crass and awful for decades to inject the project with truth. The whole thing has been exhausting, and I’m glad it’s over.  I’ll do a small installation at a SOHO gallery next month featuring statues made of potatoes and ham called “The Whoman Condition”.  After that, Vox Populis shines a truth light onto something else.”

When one reporter asked if Trump was actually presumed dead comedian Andy Kaufman, Trump just laughed. “No, of course not. He’s too busy doing that Ann Coulter character he’s been busy with. It’s terrific..  Funnier than Tony Clifton.”

This is a parody, which, frankly, should be obvious.

Dr. Ben Carson Explains Other Ancient Wonders

In light of the recent discovery of video of a 1998 commencement speech at Andrews University in which GOP Presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson stated that the Egyptian Pyramids were used to store grain, the Carson campaign has released a comprehensive list of their candidate’s explanation for various other ancient wonders and structures.  

Hanging_Gardens_of_Babylon
“Hanging Gardens of Babylon” by Maarten van Heemskerck – http://www.plinia.net/wonders/gardens/hgpix1.html. Licensed under Public Domain via Commons – https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Hanging_Gardens_of_Babylon.jpg#/media/File:Hanging_Gardens_of_Babylon.jpg
  1.  The Hanging Gardens of Babylon – Used to trap bats and scare away skeletons.

    "Statue of Zeus" by Maarten van Heemskerck - Please, put da source here. Licensed under Public Domain via Commons - https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Statue_of_Zeus.jpg#/media/File:Statue_of_Zeus.jpg
    “Statue of Zeus” by Maarten van Heemskerck – Please, put da source here. Licensed under Public Domain via Commons – https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Statue_of_Zeus.jpg#/media/File:Statue_of_Zeus.jpg
  2. The Statue of Zeus at Olympia – Used as a piece in a stupid big game of chess.
  3. The Temple of Artemis – Used to store giant chess pieces.
  4. The Mausoleum at  Halicarnassus – An early bowling alley and burger joint.

  5. The Colossus of Rhodes – A really big road for transporting grain to and from Egypt.
  6. The Lighthouse at Alexandria –  A giant smoker used for ham mainly.

    "David Ball - www.davidball.net"
    “David Ball – www.davidball.net”
  7. Stonehenge – A place where ancient people dried their clothing and what not.
  8. The Colosseum of Rome- A great big ol’ fishin’ hole.
  9. The Great Wall of China – A rolleycoaster for giants.

    Dhirad [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html), CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/) or CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
  10. The Taj Mahal – The place where they invented pancakes.