Category Archives: Entertainment

Secrets of the New Star Wars Revealed!

 

 

Prepare for the Attack of the Steves! By Eva Rinaldi from Sydney Australia (Star Wars EP1 3D Uploaded by russavia) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Prepare for the Attack of the Steves!                                                                                                                                                     By Eva Rinaldi from Sydney Australia (Star Wars EP1 3D Uploaded by russavia) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
– – –  Hollywood, CA

The highly anticipated Star Wars: The Force Awakens officially releases December 18.  Industry analysts believe the movie will make “North of a gajillion damn dollars” on opening weekend.  Some are concerned that fans of the sci-fi series will be disappointed, but others disagree.

“It’s ridiculous to think fans won’t love this new movie,” said one anonymous studio potentate.  “If we know nothing else, it’s that Star Wars fans specifically and sci-fi fans in general are incredibly easy to please and are not prone to complaining.”

Some plot points of the movie have started to trickle out in leaks, much like a nerf herder or something.  The Howling Monkey has compiled the following list of spoilers. Read at your own peril, because it’s a trap!:

1.  Han Solo spends entire movie in a bathrobe, puttering around declaring he is “too old for this space crap.”

2.  Jar Jar Binks revealed to be a Sith Lord.

3.  Luke Skywalker revealed to actually be Jar Jar Binks.

4.  All stormtroopers now black and named “Steve”.

5.  Princess Leia is now just a crazy old cat lady who drinks fancy cocktails and speaks with a Southern drawl.

6.  Ewoks have all been converted to couch pillows.

7.  Jabba the Hut’s son is a galaxy-wide known fitness guru named Slim Goodbody.

8.  Chewbacca battling Wookie pattern baldness.

9.  Death Star technology, now in the hands of some weird, vaguely racist group of aliens, now includes grates over exhaust vents, making it more difficult to blow them up.

10.  Senator Pmurt now rules the galaxy with an iron fist and repeatedly threatens to blow up “bad aliens”.

11.  Hero of the movie is Huckleberry Finn, who is the daughter of Han Solo and Mark Twain.

12. Darth Vader remembered as “Not THAT bad a guy” by several historical revisionists who wear fedoras.

13.  Lando Calrissian constantly getting it on with the ladies on the retirement planet of MeAmee.

14.  Wedge shows up for no good reason.

15.  Kirk and Picard meet at Mos Eisley Cantina and laugh and laugh.

16.  A Wampa appears in the desert of Tatooine in the first act.  His appearance is never satisfactorily explained, and in the end, everyone in Star Wars will be revealed to have just been having a dream. Or they were in purgatory. Whatever.

Rejected Horror Movies

On Flickr by FICG.mx under a Creative Commons CC By 2.0 license
A scene from the rejected “Nosfera2: Undead Boogaloo” On Flickr by FICG.mx under a Creative Commons CC By 2.0 license

As Halloween approaches, it bears noting that every year, filmmakers produce roughly 6,349 horror movies worldwide.*  Despite this terrifyingly high number of films, major studios still ax numerous proposed scary movies.  Here are just a few of those rejections.

1.  Nightmare on Elmo Street:  A puppet enters people’s dreams and irritates them to death.

2.  The Tony Blair Witch Project:  Found footage of former British prime minister as he is chased by a comical witch, who is actually a man in drag, all to the sounds of Yakkety Sax.

3.  Friday the 13th: Jason’s Reflections: A hockey masked psychopath strolls through the woods ruminating on the works of Walt Whitman.

4.  Uncle Tom’s Cabin In The Woods:  Rejected as being too racist.

5.  Larry the Cable Guy Meets Frankenstein:  Rejected as being too racist.

6.  You Will Be Terrified!:  Producers rejected this film, which consisted of a woman looking at the camera and simply saying “Boo!” repeatedly over the course of its proposed 90 minute run time, as they felt it was too scary.

7.  The Baba Ganoush:  A family is tormented by an eggplant dip that has spoiled.

8.  The Really Evil Dead:  Legal nixed this blatant ripoff of the Evil Dead franchise with David Schwimmer attached as Nash Billiams fighting an army of undead porcupines for some reason or another.

9. Psycho Killer:  A concert film of Talking Heads performing one song repeatedly.

10.  Dracula vs. Twilight:   Dracula massacres the wimpy tween fiction vampires in the first five minutes of the movie.  Then he skulks around a castle going “Blah blah blah”.  Budgetary constraints halted this.

11. Halloween In A Submarine!: Mike Meyers somehow enters the Beatles classic Yellow Submarine and wreaks havoc on the residents of Pepperville as the lads from Liverpool give chase. Couldn’t get music rights cleared.

* Source: A wise hobo found wandering ’bout on the outskirts of town.

Failed 2015 Fall Pilots

— Los Angeles, CA

The broadcast networks this week announced their new shows to begin airing in Fall 2015. While this was cause for television audiences to rejoice at the quality offerings headed their way, many producers, writers, performers and other industry insiders are cursing their fates as they learned their pilots had not been picked up.

Below is a list of some of the pilots that failed to find a television home:

Inconceivable!                By Yusuf Laher (dudephotography) [CC BY-SA 2.0 http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
1. Andre!: A series based on the 1981 film, My Dinner With Andre. The pilot starred Matt LeBlanc in the title role, with Richard Ayoade taking over the part played in the film by Wallace Shawn. The pilot featured the two main characters having dinner and talking about bugs the whole time.

2. Matter Eater Lad:  In an effort to cash in on the recent crop of super hero movies and television shows, this pilot featured Josh Gad as Tenzil Kim, an alien whose super power is the ability to eat stuff.  In the pilot, Tenzil foiled a bank robbery by eating the bank.

3.   The Billion Dollar Quiz!:  A nighttime game show in which the winner receives a billion dollars.  The problem was obvious when it was announced that the prize went to the one of three contestants who won a simple trivia game each night of the five night a week proposed show.

The now unemployed star of Stone and Manatee will return to his previous job of swimming about eating things.

4.  Stone and Manatee.  A buddy cop show starring unknown actor Will Negland and a manatee.  In the pilot, they solved a jewel heist that occurred in a Florida Marsh.

5.  Mother Most Vexatious! The mother (Carol Kane) of an Elizabethan playwright  (Joe Rogan) is acerbic and demanding.

6.  Law’s Law.  Sarah Law (Helena Johannson, who is apparently vaguely related to Scarlett, through marriage we think) is an attorney by day and also by night, as her job is fairly demanding.  In the pilot she spent the whole show reviewing documents produced pursuant to discovery requests in  fairly routine slip and fall case. Highlights includes a montage of highlighting things.

7.  Gitter Done.  A Larry the Cable Guy vehicle in which he playes Gitter Done, CEO of Done Manufacturing, a company that makes bucket handles.

8.  Mystery Island!  Strangers awaken on an island after falling asleep in their homes.  Over the course of the series, they would learn what drew them to the island and what the island represents.  In the pilot they just spent the whole hour talking about stuff they saw on Lost.

9.  Knightly News!  A comedy take on the day’s news as told by a Knight of the Round Table (H. Jon Benjamin).  Unfortunately, the punchline to each story was “What sorcery is this!”

10.  Monday Night Lights.  A spin-off off football series Friday Night Lights, but this one was set at a crafts class down at the community center.  In the first episode, the group made macrame owls and talked about Texas.

Stand-Up Lingo Revealed!

Here’s a generic picture of a comedy club with a brick wall! By Texaswebscout (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
– New York, NY

As in most industries, the stand-up comedy has its own lingo that insiders use to do their work and that helps those who work in the business feel like insiders, which is important due to the fragile egos involved in every aspect of the comedy business.

We have uncovered a list of “inside terms” that we want to share with you so you can feel just as special as a comedian, if even for a fleeting moment.

1. Headliner Typically the final comic of the night on a show, and usually the one that is most famous or experienced, if not necessarily the funniest.

2.  Opener –  The first comic of the night (usually after the emcee).  This comic usually has less material than the headliner, and is often bitter that they are the opener.

3.  The French Reprieve – The act between the opener and the headliner.  This act is usually a mime.

4.  A Tight  [X]  – X is a number of minutes.  This is how much time a comic states they have ready to go that is really good and show ready.  The number stated is usually double the amount that is accurate.

5.  A Sloppy 20 – A comic performs an entire 20 minute set while their clothes are practically covered in nacho cheese and ranch dressing.

6.  Getting the Light – When a comic’s time is almost up, someone shines a flashlight at them from the back of the room to alert them to wrap up their set.

7.  Getting the Pipe Wrench – When a comic refuses to pay attention to the light, a club owner will often hit them on the head with a pipe wrench.

8.  Open Mic – A show in which comics, new and old, are allowed to go up on stage and work out material and/or gain experience.  It is also an excellent opportunity to do the same material in front of other open mic comics once a week for several years.

9.  Open Living Room – A situation in which would be comics corner people at parties, wakes, and book club meetings and regale people with jokes that are usually not funny.

10.  Sally Shocker – A female comic who uses offensive material in an effort to get a cheap laugh.  Male comics who do this are called “male comics”.

11.  Pulling a Gorshin – A comic who does impressions but without any actual material. They just quote something some celebrity said in a movie.

12.  Hack – A comedian who uses old, obvious and often stupid material.  In the alternative, a comedian’s term for any other comic who is more successful than them.

13.  A Nipsey Hustle – Stealing material from Nipsey Russell.  Common among new open
mic comics.

Do not steal from this man.

14.  Papering the Room – A club’s practice of giving out free tickets so routinely that patrons rarely, if ever, actually pay to see a show.

15.  Closing the Club – Often the result of papering the room.

 

Michael Jackson Prank Called Russell Crowe

– – Hollywood, CA

By Eva Rinaldi Uploaded by MyCanon (Russell Crowe) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Recent reports revealed that King of Pop Michael Jackson allegedly spent years prank calling Gladiator’s Russel Crowe, despite the fact that the two never met.  Today, our staff obtained transcripts of some of these calls, and present them here in an exclusive report:

<TELEPHONE RING>
RC: <Unintelligible grunt>
MJ: Is Mr. Wall there?
RC: Who the hell is this?
MJ: Is Mrs. Wall there?
RC: Seriously, mate, I will flat out murder you.
MJ: Are any walls there?
RC: I will bury your family and burn down their dreams.
MJ: How does your roof stay up? hehehe
RC: Ok, Michael Jackson, that’s pretty funny.
MJ: Thank you, Russell Crowe. Want to get ice cream and watch some movies?
RC: I guess.
MJ: I’ll have the movies. You bring the ice cream.
RC: What kind do you want?
MJ: Do you have Breyers in a tub?
RC: Yeah.
MJ: Better let him out before he gets all wrinkly, he-he!
RC: Never call me again, or I swear to all that is holy I will put you in a bag with 8 rabid dingos and chuck you into a pit.
<CONNECTION BROKEN>

<TELEPHONE RING>
RC: <Cranky muttering>
MJ:  Is Mr. Max there?
RC: Michael Jackson, is that you?
MJ:  Aww, now, don’t be mad, Max! Hehe!
RC: That’s Mel Gibson you stupid bastard. Call me again and I’ll eat your monkey!
MJ: Thunderdome!
RC: <Expletive Deleted>
<CONNECTION BROKEN>

<TELEPHONE RING>
RC: <Unable to hear over loud didgeridoo playing>
MJ:  Excuse me, is your refrigerator running?
RC: Look, Michael, I know it’s you. Stop this right now!
MJ:  Well, if it is, you better run after it real fast!
RC: That’s not even the right joke, you <Expletive Deleted>.
MJ:  Yes it is.
RC:  No, it’s not.  It’s “Is your refrigerator running?” “Yes.” “Well, you better go catch it, then!” See, mate?
MJ: Sorry to have bothered you.
<CONNECTION BROKEN>

<TELEPHONE RING>
RC: <Unintelligible due to Men At Work’s Down Under playing in background>
MJ: Is your refrigerator running?
RC: <Expletive Deleted> you, Michael.
MJ: Hehe!
<CONNECTION BROKEN>

<TELEPHONE RING>
RC: <Can’t hear over sound of smashing glass>
MJ:  Is Amanda Huggenkiss there?
RC: You just saw that on the Simpsons, jackass.
MJ:  Hehe!
RC: I will set your head on fire!
<CONNECTION BROKEN>