– – – Hollywood, CA
The highly anticipated Star Wars: The Force Awakens officially releases December 18. Industry analysts believe the movie will make “North of a gajillion damn dollars” on opening weekend. Some are concerned that fans of the sci-fi series will be disappointed, but others disagree.
“It’s ridiculous to think fans won’t love this new movie,” said one anonymous studio potentate. “If we know nothing else, it’s that Star Wars fans specifically and sci-fi fans in general are incredibly easy to please and are not prone to complaining.”
Some plot points of the movie have started to trickle out in leaks, much like a nerf herder or something. The Howling Monkey has compiled the following list of spoilers. Read at your own peril, because it’s a trap!:
1. Han Solo spends entire movie in a bathrobe, puttering around declaring he is “too old for this space crap.”
2. Jar Jar Binks revealed to be a Sith Lord.
3. Luke Skywalker revealed to actually be Jar Jar Binks.
4. All stormtroopers now black and named “Steve”.
5. Princess Leia is now just a crazy old cat lady who drinks fancy cocktails and speaks with a Southern drawl.
6. Ewoks have all been converted to couch pillows.
7. Jabba the Hut’s son is a galaxy-wide known fitness guru named Slim Goodbody.
8. Chewbacca battling Wookie pattern baldness.
9. Death Star technology, now in the hands of some weird, vaguely racist group of aliens, now includes grates over exhaust vents, making it more difficult to blow them up.
10. Senator Pmurt now rules the galaxy with an iron fist and repeatedly threatens to blow up “bad aliens”.
11. Hero of the movie is Huckleberry Finn, who is the daughter of Han Solo and Mark Twain.
12. Darth Vader remembered as “Not THAT bad a guy” by several historical revisionists who wear fedoras.
13. Lando Calrissian constantly getting it on with the ladies on the retirement planet of MeAmee.
14. Wedge shows up for no good reason.
15. Kirk and Picard meet at Mos Eisley Cantina and laugh and laugh.
16. A Wampa appears in the desert of Tatooine in the first act. His appearance is never satisfactorily explained, and in the end, everyone in Star Wars will be revealed to have just been having a dream. Or they were in purgatory. Whatever.