Category Archives: Local

Man Concerned About Who Gets Free Candy

– – – Chicago, IL

Chicago resident James Whale expressed concern today as to what individuals would get free candy from him next Friday night on Halloween, while tacitly attempting to not sound racist.

These treats should only be given to people within a few blocks of Whale’s house. Photo by TheCulinaryGeek from Chicago, USA Under a Creative Commons CC-BY-2.0 license

“I love seeing the neighborhood kids in their costumes getting candy,” Whale said. “The little ghosts and vampires are hilarious. But, you know, I’m not real happy when….other people show up.”

When pressed for details Whale had a difficult time expressing them. “Well, you know. It’s just that people come in from other neighborhoods and take the candy I was giving away,” Whale said while meticulously weighing bags of fun sized candies at Costco. “It’s just, I don’t know, not right.”

When asked what differentiates the trick-or-treaters that trouble him, Whale said “They come from…other neighborhoods. Some of them are too old to be trick-or-treating. Some of them don’t have costumes. You know what I mean.”

“Look, I don’t mind when my neighbor’s kids bring a bunch of friends over, but that’s different. They, I don’t know, belong here,” Whale said while considering a sack of individual candy corn bags. “You know what I mean.”

“It’s not that I mind the expense. I love buying candy for kids. I just, oh, think it should only be for kids in my neighborhood. Or at least my socioeconomic status. You know what I mean.”

During the course of the thirty minute conversation, Whale steadfastly avoided the mention of trick-or-treaters’ race.

“Oh well, I guess I’ll just get some spare candy for…them. You know what I mean, the out of neighborhood trick-or-treaters,” Whale said while putting a couple of large bags of those disgusting candies wrapped in black and orange paper into his basket.

Ethnic Dining Assuages Guilt

— Memphis, TN

Last night Midtown Memphis resident Stan Dupp eradicated lingering guilt about being a middle class White male by taking his girlfriend to eat dinner at an authentic Mexican restaurant on Summer Avenue.

“This is what real Latinos and Latinas eat,” Dupp said, over pronouncing ‘Latino’ and ‘Latina’ while eating an order of pastor tacos. “It gets me in touch with other cultures and, at least for a little while, helps me forgive myself for my White privilege. Also, you know, it makes me feel like I’m doing better with the diversity.”

The White Guilt Platter is a local favorite. By Josette under a Creative Commons CC BY-SA 2.5 license

Dupp explains there’s an “ethnic hierarchy” behind his culinary choices. “We will eat authentic Latino/Latina food on an average White guilt day. But when things get really bad, I try to go deeper into the ethnic well.”

Last week, after he was pulled over for a traffic stop without getting a ticket, Dupp invited several white co-workers out for authentic dim sum. Following a promotion at his job, the same “posse” went out to sample genuine Ethiopian fare. “It was an especially guilty day and I had to do something,” Dupp said, adding that Injera, the stretchy bread served with Ethiopian stews, “really soaks in the guilt.”

“There’s so many kinds of ethnic food to choose from these days,” Dupp says, listing ethnic food options ranging from hummus and falafel to palak paneer and Korean barbecue.

“I tell all my younger friends they don’t know how good they have it,” he says. “When I was a younger, guiltier man the choices were limited to fried rice or maybe a gyro. But nowadays, sky’s the limit!”

A version of this article originally appeared on the Memphis Flyer’s Fly on the Wall Blog.

Woman Notes Weather Is Cold

Cordova resident Lois “‘Lo” Mercury provided a valuable service to her neighbors and friends by informing them via Facebook that they “[b]etter bundle up! It’s cold, ya’ll!”

Grateful readers of this update flooded Mercury’s page with comments filled with thanks, affirmations regarding the temperature, and a few “LOL”‘s and, in some cases, smiley faces.

“I’m really glad I can help people out,” Mercury said. “If I didn’t mention this, then some folks might end up being real chilly!”

Mercury indicated that this morning’s status update was part of a multistage plan that will include an Instagram of her dashboard temperature reading to verify her findings and an analysis on her blog of how today’s low temperatures disprove global warming once and for all. She will also utilize her Twitter account throughout the day to update people on her observations on the cold conditions.

“I may also post a picture of hot chocolate,” Mercury added. “Just to mix things up a little.”

A version of this story first appeared in The Memphis Flyer’s Fly on the Wall blog.

Local Woman Often Outraged

Karen Lotts, a 38 year old Midtown resident and office administrator, lives in a perpetual state of outrage, according to co-workers and friends.
“Yesterday, she told me she was ‘totally outraged’ over the media’s reporting on Syria. Last week, she was ‘totally outraged’ over a joke someone made that she felt was offensive to people with Shingles. It’s pretty much a daily thing. Somebody’s going to say something that sends her through the roof,” said Lotts’ co-worker Bob Andweave.

Earlier this week, Lotts was observed expressing her outrage at a server who asked if she was ready for a check while she was “plainly not finished eating.” This was followed by a 45 minute dissertation on the ongoing problem of condescension in the service industry.

Other recent targets of Lotts’ outrage include city leaders, Republicans, polluters, meat, organized religion, and “racist undertones in the criticism of Miley Cyrus.”

“Yeah, we tend to not invite Karen with us anywhere these days,” said alleged friend Tara Cotta. “It’s just an all night series of gripes, complaints and anger. Last time we were out, she went on and on about how [WMC-TV meteorolgist] Ron Childers is insensitive because he, apparently, didn’t show enough sympathy for the homeless when he mentioned how hot it was going to be the next day. Ron didn’t make a joke or anything. He just didn’t remind everyone to be compassionate. Thirty minutes this went on.”

Calls to Lott were met with anger, recriminations, and accusations of pandering to the high fructose corn syrup manufacturers.

This article originally appeared in The Memphis Flyer’s Fly On The Wall blog.

Local Band On Verge Of Stardom Again

For the thirteenth time in nine years, local band “Confluence” is about to hit the big time, according to band founder and drummer Neil Downs.
Confluence has been a staple of the Memphis music scene since 2002, appearing at local clubs, area dives, and private parties. Downs describes the band’s sound as “a magical exploration of rock, country, reggae and jazz”.

“The record label guys started sniffing around in 2004, but the deal has always fallen apart because we want to keep our integrity,” said Downs while taking a break from his day job with a local tree service. “You can’t put a price on that, you know?”

According to Downs, despite repeated deals going South with major labels for reasons involving “creative control,” “money issues,” and “weird vibes”, Confluence is going to go big in the next few months. “Yeah, we’ve been approached by a major label to do a three CD deal,” Downs said. “This time it’s for real.”

Other members of Confluence are not as optimistic. “I don’t know,” said guitarist Paul Fret. “Last time Neil told us the deal fell apart because they wanted us to do the Tonight Show, and Neil thinks Leno is a ‘stooge,’ so he refused to do it. And in 2010 he told us the A&R guys pulled out because of an argument over book rights. We don’t even write books. I don’t know, man. I don’t know.”

According to Downs, Confluence will be headlining at Coachella next April in advance of the release of the first album under the three CD deal that he says is all but certain to go down.

“But, hey, if anything does go wrong, Confluence will be rocking out that weekend at our regular El Banditos gig in Raleigh,” Downs added.

(This article originally appeared in The Fly On The Wall blog for The Memphis Flyer)