Category Archives: Nation

Global Warming Debunked

Image from egghead scientists at NASA. 

 

– Little Rock, AR

Jeffrey Nanners, a 58 year old auto mechanic, announced today that the current high temperatures experienced by much of the country in no way proves that “global warming is a thing.”

“Temperatures change and get high in the Summer.  It doesn’t prove anything,” Nanners said.

These comments appear to be contrary to remarks Nanners made last winter when he sarcastically said “Guess that’s just global warming, huh?” during an ice storm.  He was also heard to say “Where’s all that global warming you hear about?” while shoveling snow from his driveway.

“There’s nothing inconsistent with my views at all.  If it’s hot in the summer for many many days, that proves that global warming isn’t real, because it’s supposed to be hot.  If it’s cold in the winter for a couple of days, that also proves global warming isn’t real, because it’s supposed to be cold.  Those are just facts,” Nanners said. “You can’t judge climate change based on a few days. Except in the winter.”

“Look, if global warming were real, we’d have these temperatures in February, and we don’t, do we, Poindexter?” Nanners asked reporter Poindexter McClure.

When asked whether or not Nanners had a point, Dr. Eleanor Rigsby, a climatologist with the National Aeronautics and Space Administration simply shook her head, sighed, and then threw a bunch of science on a table.

“Why is NASA even dealing with this. Unless they think the moon is somehow affecting stuff on Earth. Which is ridiculous,” Nanners said derisively.

Obama Enforces Gay Marriage Law

By Ludovic Bertron from New York City, Usa [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
– Washington, D.C.

In the wake of last week’s historic Supreme Court decision making same-sex marriage legal, the Obama administration has taken a strict interpretation of the ruling and ordered that every adult in America marry a same-sex partner.

“My administration reads the Obergfell decision as one mandating that the gay agenda be implemented fully and, if necessary, by force,” President Obama said in an address from the White House’s new Rainbow Room.  “The time for change is literally now.”

Bruce Vilanch, the administration’s newly appointed Secretary of Super Gay Affairs, detailed more of the plans.  “We began five minutes after the Supreme Court decision was announced.  We loaded up black helicopters with our elite squad of “Do Ask and Do Tell” soldiers and went to everyone’s house, took their guns, and then used those guns to make the straights get divorced.  You should have seen Clint Eastwood. He was so mad he’s still screaming at a chair!”

“At first I was confused and upset,” said 52 year old Michael Newton of Madison, Wisconsin.  “I’d been married to Carol for 27 years, up until they took my gun, pointed it me and made me divorce her and marry some random guy. But, it’ll work out, I suppose.  Chet seems nice.”

In addition to mandating gay marriages, the President added, “Oh, and all churches have to start performing gay wedding right now. Period. And don’t even think about not making gay wedding cakes, people. We will flat out Gitmo you if you do.”

President Obama explained the penalties for refusing to participate in the new so-called “Got Gay” initiative.  “If you refuse to marry someone of your gender, you will hunt you down with a drone, send in troops and drag you before a death panel, just like the ones I saw as a young boy in Kenya. Yeah, that’s right. I’m from Kenya. Deal with that.”

The President then used a bunch of racial slurs for no reason, laughed and then announced that he had to leave to plan his wedding with Vice-President Joe Biden.

Immediately following the President’s press conference, Vilanch announced that his department will immediately get to work trying to legalize people getting married to children, dogs, three dentist at a time and “in Clint Eastwood’s case a chair! That’s a callback, people,” Vilanch said.

Oklahoma Proposes New State Slogans

– Oklahoma City, OK

Proposed Oklahoma “Classroom of the Future”.

Republican state legislators in Oklahoma are proposing legislation that would defund the teaching of AP American History and replace them with new classes because legislators feel the AP courses don’t properly teach “American Exceptionalism”, a concept which, essentially, holds that the United States is super awesome and has never done anything wrong whatsoever.

As a companion bill, legislators are proposing changing the state’s slogan.  The following slogans are in the running:

1.  Oklahoma: You can’t spell “history” if you went to school here.

2.  Oklahoma: Those who ignore history are doomed to graduate from high school here.

3.  Oklahoma:  Them Injuns had it coming!

4.  Oklahoma:  If you want to know the history of slavery head over to Nebraska, chump.

5.  Oklahoma:  Whitewashing is OK!

6.  Oklahoma: We aren’t that fond of math either.

7.  Oklahoma: Making the South look progressive!

8.  Oklahoma: Where the wind comes sweepin’ down the plain and hopefully destroys all the libraries.

9.  Oklahoma: Book learning is for jerks.

10.  Oklahoma:  The less you know!

11. Oklahoma: We missed our shot at burning witches, but we can still burn books!

Legislators have also proposed that the state’s new bird be an ostrich with its head buried “deep in a pile of magnificent wheat,” said an aide to one GOP state legislator.

Brian Williams Recants More Stories

– New York

“Oops!”                                                      By David Shankbone (Own work) [CC BY 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Beleaguered NBC News anchor and occasional sitcom star Brian Williams today announced he had to recant several more stories following this week’s revelation that a tale he told about being aboard a helicopter that was shot down in a 2003 RPG attack over Iraq was simply not true.

The following is a transcript of the latest mea culpa Williams aired:

I would like to apologize to our viewers for another series of claims I have made over time that may not be accurate.  I thought they were when I made them, but it turns out I was wrong. I don’t have a good excuse for my innocent errors, so let’s just say it’s the result of me having watched some old episodes of Sanford and Son.  Redd Foxx was always hilarious.  With that said, I must now make the following clarifications:

1.  I did not invent the switchblade comb.  I use one daily, and just assumed I had created it. I was mistaken.

2.  I was not a signatory to the Treaty of Ghent. I had not yet been born.  My passion for the War of 1812 colored my view of the facts.

3.  I am not the author of The Greatest Generation. But I do know the guy who wrote it.

4.  I am not married to or dating Tina Fey.  I’ve just been on a show with her. And she is compelling, so one can see how that could confuse me.

5.  I am not the inspiration for Mad Men.  I am just very handsome. But that’s where the similarities end.

6.  I did not cause the fall of the Berlin Wall.  I do approve, and sometimes I confuse support with causation.

7.  I was not the United States Secretary of Labor in 2010. That was Hilda Solis.  I simply misread a Post-It note someone had left on my desk.

8.  I am not Edward R. Murrow.  I realize that one should have been obvious to me, but that movie about him was on, and I could have sworn it was me.

9.  I do not think Girls is funny.  I regret claiming it was.

10.  I was not a part of Seal Team Six.  I do, however, own six seals, so you can see how that misstatement occurred.

11.  I did not write Maple Leaf Rag. That was Scott Joplin. I was visited Joplin, Missouri while touring flood damage from a helicopter. A helicopter that was shot down by a group of extremist Juggalos.

12.  I was never in a helicopter shot down by Juggalos.

I hope that through this clearing of the air, I can regain your trust, and that I can still get appearances on NBC sitcoms in which I play myself. Thank you. Good night, and good luck.

 

 

Groundhog Sees Shadow Of The Thin Man

– Punxsutawney, PA

Punxsytanwney Phil, the nation’s foremost rodent meteorologist, today emerged from his home and was immediately drawn to a computer tablet which was showing the 1941 William Powell/Myrna Loy film The Shadow Of the Thin Man.

“I reckon someone just left the doo-dad in his little habitat,” said Groundhog Wrangler Dickie James. “That little fellow was just attracted to it. Guess he likes mysteries with a comic flavor.”

640px-Groundhog3
Phil enjoys a snack while watching Nick and Nora solve the caper. By EIC under a Creative Commons [CC By SA 3.0] license.
Phil watched the entire caper film and then proceeded to walk back into his home, affecting a comical drunken gait.

“We have no idea what Phil’s response to the movie will mean for the weather,” said Sandy Malindez of the National Weather Service. “But we do anticipate that this likely means the nation will be wracked with snappy dialogue and general cracking wise for the next six weeks.”