Category Archives: Nation

Global Warming Debunked

Image from egghead scientists at NASA. 

 

– Little Rock, AR

Jeffrey Nanners, a 58 year old auto mechanic, announced today that the current high temperatures experienced by much of the country in no way proves that “global warming is a thing.”

“Temperatures change and get high in the Summer.  It doesn’t prove anything,” Nanners said.

These comments appear to be contrary to remarks Nanners made last winter when he sarcastically said “Guess that’s just global warming, huh?” during an ice storm.  He was also heard to say “Where’s all that global warming you hear about?” while shoveling snow from his driveway.

“There’s nothing inconsistent with my views at all.  If it’s hot in the summer for many many days, that proves that global warming isn’t real, because it’s supposed to be hot.  If it’s cold in the winter for a couple of days, that also proves global warming isn’t real, because it’s supposed to be cold.  Those are just facts,” Nanners said. “You can’t judge climate change based on a few days. Except in the winter.”

“Look, if global warming were real, we’d have these temperatures in February, and we don’t, do we, Poindexter?” Nanners asked reporter Poindexter McClure.

When asked whether or not Nanners had a point, Dr. Eleanor Rigsby, a climatologist with the National Aeronautics and Space Administration simply shook her head, sighed, and then threw a bunch of science on a table.

“Why is NASA even dealing with this. Unless they think the moon is somehow affecting stuff on Earth. Which is ridiculous,” Nanners said derisively.

Brian Williams Recants More Stories

– New York

“Oops!”                                                      By David Shankbone (Own work) [CC BY 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Beleaguered NBC News anchor and occasional sitcom star Brian Williams today announced he had to recant several more stories following this week’s revelation that a tale he told about being aboard a helicopter that was shot down in a 2003 RPG attack over Iraq was simply not true.

The following is a transcript of the latest mea culpa Williams aired:

I would like to apologize to our viewers for another series of claims I have made over time that may not be accurate.  I thought they were when I made them, but it turns out I was wrong. I don’t have a good excuse for my innocent errors, so let’s just say it’s the result of me having watched some old episodes of Sanford and Son.  Redd Foxx was always hilarious.  With that said, I must now make the following clarifications:

1.  I did not invent the switchblade comb.  I use one daily, and just assumed I had created it. I was mistaken.

2.  I was not a signatory to the Treaty of Ghent. I had not yet been born.  My passion for the War of 1812 colored my view of the facts.

3.  I am not the author of The Greatest Generation. But I do know the guy who wrote it.

4.  I am not married to or dating Tina Fey.  I’ve just been on a show with her. And she is compelling, so one can see how that could confuse me.

5.  I am not the inspiration for Mad Men.  I am just very handsome. But that’s where the similarities end.

6.  I did not cause the fall of the Berlin Wall.  I do approve, and sometimes I confuse support with causation.

7.  I was not the United States Secretary of Labor in 2010. That was Hilda Solis.  I simply misread a Post-It note someone had left on my desk.

8.  I am not Edward R. Murrow.  I realize that one should have been obvious to me, but that movie about him was on, and I could have sworn it was me.

9.  I do not think Girls is funny.  I regret claiming it was.

10.  I was not a part of Seal Team Six.  I do, however, own six seals, so you can see how that misstatement occurred.

11.  I did not write Maple Leaf Rag. That was Scott Joplin. I was visited Joplin, Missouri while touring flood damage from a helicopter. A helicopter that was shot down by a group of extremist Juggalos.

12.  I was never in a helicopter shot down by Juggalos.

I hope that through this clearing of the air, I can regain your trust, and that I can still get appearances on NBC sitcoms in which I play myself. Thank you. Good night, and good luck.

 

 

Groundhog Sees Shadow Of The Thin Man

– Punxsutawney, PA

Punxsytanwney Phil, the nation’s foremost rodent meteorologist, today emerged from his home and was immediately drawn to a computer tablet which was showing the 1941 William Powell/Myrna Loy film The Shadow Of the Thin Man.

“I reckon someone just left the doo-dad in his little habitat,” said Groundhog Wrangler Dickie James. “That little fellow was just attracted to it. Guess he likes mysteries with a comic flavor.”

640px-Groundhog3
Phil enjoys a snack while watching Nick and Nora solve the caper. By EIC under a Creative Commons [CC By SA 3.0] license.
Phil watched the entire caper film and then proceeded to walk back into his home, affecting a comical drunken gait.

“We have no idea what Phil’s response to the movie will mean for the weather,” said Sandy Malindez of the National Weather Service. “But we do anticipate that this likely means the nation will be wracked with snappy dialogue and general cracking wise for the next six weeks.”

 

Cannibal Curious Man Disappointed By Snow

– – – New York, NY

Despite forecasts that Winter Storm Juno could be among the worst to ever strike New York City, snowfall accumulation in Manhattan has been relatively small.  Many feel New York dodged a bullet.  But Nathan Zeler, a 37 year old middle level manager for a logistics company, the less than blizzard conditions are disappointing.  Mainly because he wanted to eat people.

“I was prepared to be snowbound in my apartment for days,” Zeler said. “And I figured by day 3 or so, I’d be ready to eat a neighbor.”

1969 file photo of "Cannibal Winter Conditions"
1969 file photo of “Cannibal Winter Conditions”

Zeler said he has never tried cannibalism before, but he has been very curious about it. “I don’t know, this season’s The Walking Dead has been cannibal heavy, and it just made me wonder what the fuss was about. I guess I just want to experiment with it a little.”

“I don’t have anyone in particular I’d like to eat,” Zeler said. “I’d like to diversify it up. You know, try different ethnic groups to see if there’s a difference in taste. I mean, I know it’s not like an Italian guy will taste like Chicken Parmesan or whatever, but I just wonder if all human flesh tastes the same.  Is that racist? I don’t know.”

“I guess next time there’s a big winter storm coming, I’ll head to Boston. They got a ton of snow.  So, that’s good eats, right?”

When asked why he needed to be snowbound before experimenting with cannibalism, Zeler said “I’m not a lunatic. I’m not going to just start eating people. There have to be appropriately dire circumstances. At least kind of dire.  I mean, there’s a difference between Hannibal Lecter and the Donner party, right?”

Zeler added he is most upset by the fact that he purchased way too many sauces and does not know how he will store them in the long term.

Anti-Hipster Movement Underway

— Dallas, TX

Members of a growing group of so-called “anti-hipsters” met this week for their first convention in Dallas.

“We considered Austin, but really like the vibe of a big, corporate heavy city,” Anti-Hipster Association (AHA) president Cheryl Barnes said. “They’ve got lots of great chain restaurants here that we can enjoy unironically.”

Members of AHA strive to be “annoying like conventional hipsters, only in the complete opposite way,” Barnes said, as she switched her Pandora station to a Green Day station. “I love these guys. American Idiot is really great.”

AHA members take part in various activities and panels at their convention. Hank Sinke spoke at the panel titled “All The Great Stuff On Television”. “We were talking about the Game of Thrones series when someone asked me if I’d read the books. Well, I told him in no uncertain terms that I don’t have any books in my house. That put him in his place,” Sinke said.

Convention goers met for a late night “Games and Beers” session, during which they played some UNO.

“These late night sessions are great, but tiring,” said AHA member Raymond Garza. “I always feel like I ought to shave before going to bed just to avoid having too much facial hair.”

The AHA convention continues today with panels including “Traditional Media Is Ok By Me!”, “I Don’t Get It: An Explanation of Irony”, and “Bicycles: Who Needs Them When Our Cars Work Just Fine? (Answer: No One).”

“I’m not sure if this is a growing movement that represents a shift in social paradigms, or if it’s just a bunch of dopes,” said Dr. Evelyn Norman, University of Texas Sociology Professor. “But it seems like it’s just a bunch of dopes.”