Category Archives: Politics

Trump Reveals Campaign As Elaborate Performance Art

— New York

Trump ends the act. Photo by Gage Skidmore [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Trump ends the act. Photo by Gage Skidmore [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Donald Trump today revealed that his entire campaign for the GOP presidential nomination has been nothing more than a piece of performance art that he hope will make the nation “really stop and think.”  The revelation follows what can only be described as an hour and half diatribe last night in which he compared Dr. Ben Carson to a child molester, called Iowans stupid, claimed he’d bomb the S**t out of ISIS, called Marco Rubio weak as a baby, and demonstrated knife fighting techniques.

“Last night was the culmination of a long term art piece,” Trump said today. “It’s a work I call ‘The Soul Mirror’, because everything I’ve said or done in this campaign is a reflection on the American voter. It’s not pretty, is it?”

Trump, who requested that going forward people refer to him by his artist name “Vox Populis” went on to apologize to anyone who was offended by the work, adding “Sometimes art hurts. Sometimes it makes you look foolish. But a great artist cannot be afraid.  I’m a lot like Yoko Ono in that respect.”

“My performance on Saturday Night Live last week was really a side piece to the main work.  I called it ‘Tears of the Clown,’ and I think it really makes the sheeple have to think about whether or not they must accept that something is comedy merely because they are told it is.  The answer should be no.”

The erstwhile Trump revealed that his entire career up to this point has been a gradual introduction of this piece. “I had to get rich to put this together. I had to get famous. I had to be crass and awful for decades to inject the project with truth. The whole thing has been exhausting, and I’m glad it’s over.  I’ll do a small installation at a SOHO gallery next month featuring statues made of potatoes and ham called “The Whoman Condition”.  After that, Vox Populis shines a truth light onto something else.”

When one reporter asked if Trump was actually presumed dead comedian Andy Kaufman, Trump just laughed. “No, of course not. He’s too busy doing that Ann Coulter character he’s been busy with. It’s terrific..  Funnier than Tony Clifton.”

This is a parody, which, frankly, should be obvious.

Dr. Ben Carson Explains Other Ancient Wonders

In light of the recent discovery of video of a 1998 commencement speech at Andrews University in which GOP Presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson stated that the Egyptian Pyramids were used to store grain, the Carson campaign has released a comprehensive list of their candidate’s explanation for various other ancient wonders and structures.  

Hanging_Gardens_of_Babylon
“Hanging Gardens of Babylon” by Maarten van Heemskerck – http://www.plinia.net/wonders/gardens/hgpix1.html. Licensed under Public Domain via Commons – https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Hanging_Gardens_of_Babylon.jpg#/media/File:Hanging_Gardens_of_Babylon.jpg
  1.  The Hanging Gardens of Babylon – Used to trap bats and scare away skeletons.

    "Statue of Zeus" by Maarten van Heemskerck - Please, put da source here. Licensed under Public Domain via Commons - https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Statue_of_Zeus.jpg#/media/File:Statue_of_Zeus.jpg
    “Statue of Zeus” by Maarten van Heemskerck – Please, put da source here. Licensed under Public Domain via Commons – https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Statue_of_Zeus.jpg#/media/File:Statue_of_Zeus.jpg
  2. The Statue of Zeus at Olympia – Used as a piece in a stupid big game of chess.
  3. The Temple of Artemis – Used to store giant chess pieces.
  4. The Mausoleum at  Halicarnassus – An early bowling alley and burger joint.

  5. The Colossus of Rhodes – A really big road for transporting grain to and from Egypt.
  6. The Lighthouse at Alexandria –  A giant smoker used for ham mainly.

    "David Ball - www.davidball.net"
    “David Ball – www.davidball.net”
  7. Stonehenge – A place where ancient people dried their clothing and what not.
  8. The Colosseum of Rome- A great big ol’ fishin’ hole.
  9. The Great Wall of China – A rolleycoaster for giants.

    Dhirad [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html), CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/) or CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
  10. The Taj Mahal – The place where they invented pancakes.

Country Radio Stations Ban Albums By GOP Senators

– Nashville, TN

The National Association of Country Music Broadcasters (“NACMB”) today announced that all albums by GOP senators who signed a letter to Iran are banned on member station airwaves.

“We have a long standing policy of banning albums by people that bad mouth the U.S.A. and the President to foreign nations or on foreign soil,” said Bonnie McReba, NACMB President. “When the Dixie Chicks pulled their little treason stunt in England back in ’03, we were swift to punish them. We have no choice but to do the same to those traitors in the Senate.”

The banning follows an open letter signed by 47 Republican senators to Iranian leaders indicating any agreement reached with the Obama administration on issues relating to nuclear materials would not “count” and would not last beyond the current administration.

“Country music fans are nothing if not intellectually honest and consistent,” McReba said. “Can you imagine how mad they are that someone is bad mouthing our current President?  We really have to take this action or face huge blowback from our listeners.”

He may be grinning, but based on today’s decision he won’t be picking.

A spokesperson for Senator Tom Cotton, the Arkansas Republican who spearheaded the letter said, “Obviously, we are very disappointed in [NAMCB]’s decision.  But, we have to do what we feel is right for America.  It’s just sad that anyone who wants to hear Senator Cotton’s new album Jug Band Hootenanny will have to go through iTunes or the Senator’s website.”

Top tracks from that album include Why You Done Kilt My Dog?, She Don’t Know Why She Left (But She Did), and Obama Ain’t Nothing But A Dang Stinkbug.

Oklahoma Proposes New State Slogans

– Oklahoma City, OK

Proposed Oklahoma “Classroom of the Future”.

Republican state legislators in Oklahoma are proposing legislation that would defund the teaching of AP American History and replace them with new classes because legislators feel the AP courses don’t properly teach “American Exceptionalism”, a concept which, essentially, holds that the United States is super awesome and has never done anything wrong whatsoever.

As a companion bill, legislators are proposing changing the state’s slogan.  The following slogans are in the running:

1.  Oklahoma: You can’t spell “history” if you went to school here.

2.  Oklahoma: Those who ignore history are doomed to graduate from high school here.

3.  Oklahoma:  Them Injuns had it coming!

4.  Oklahoma:  If you want to know the history of slavery head over to Nebraska, chump.

5.  Oklahoma:  Whitewashing is OK!

6.  Oklahoma: We aren’t that fond of math either.

7.  Oklahoma: Making the South look progressive!

8.  Oklahoma: Where the wind comes sweepin’ down the plain and hopefully destroys all the libraries.

9.  Oklahoma: Book learning is for jerks.

10.  Oklahoma:  The less you know!

11. Oklahoma: We missed our shot at burning witches, but we can still burn books!

Legislators have also proposed that the state’s new bird be an ostrich with its head buried “deep in a pile of magnificent wheat,” said an aide to one GOP state legislator.

State of the Union Response Divides GOP

— Washington, D.C.

Republican lawmakers are dealing with a rift in the party that was brought to light as a result of the GOP’s response to the President’s State of the Union Address.  Iowa Senator Jodi Ernst delivered the response and with it exposed a schism that had been lurking under the surface of the party.

During her response, Sen. Ernst told a story of how children used to wear bread bags on their feet to ward off the wet and cold.

“One loaf, one foot”

“I can’t believe she brought up that topic,” said one GOP senator on the condition of anonymity.  “It’s a major dividing line within the party which we’ve been able to keep out of the spotlight until now.”

The issue is relatively simple.  Some members of the GOP want to provide children with bread bag shoes, while others feel such a move would amount to big governmental intrusion into the affairs of the people.

“If you just start giving away bread bags all willy nilly, what does that do for the low quality sock trade that is a crucial part of our economy?” asked an anonymous Republican lawmaker.  “Sure, it sounds good on paper, but say it’s good to the hard-working sock makers in my district who would lose their jobs because the sock mills are closing down over socialized bags.”

Other lawmakers are concerned about abuse.  “How would you gauge who really needs bread bags versus the bread bag queens who are gaming the system?” asked conservative talk show host Dana Liberty.  “Besides, give these people bread bags, and the next thing you know they’re going to want free twist ties.  The entitlement culture never ends.”

“You know, when I was growing up, if my parents gave me a good old fashioned Wonder Bread bag for my feet, I’d be thrilled,” Liberty said. “But these kids expect Sarah Lee or even King’s Hawaiian Bread bags.  It doesn’t sound like they need help to get by. It sounds like they want to live in the lap of luxury on the taxpayers’ dime. The bag stops here!”

Some analysts feel that distributing bread bags to people would create positive economic effects.  “The secondary market would definitely benefit,” said Economics Professor Flip Noodles of Brown University.  “Someone’s going to have to serve as a bread bag cobbler.  Someone’s going to shine those bags.  So it’s really a vibrant stimulus to the economy.”

“Free bread bags would really help working parents,” Judith Horton with the Childrens’ Footwear Advocacy Center said. “Sure, most families can afford to buy a loaf of bread. But can they afford two? Or 50 in the case of a family with 23 kids and two parents?  It’s an outlier situation, admittedly. But, man, that’s a lot of bread.”

“Look my opposition is plain and simple,” said one anonymous Senator.  “I don’t want to start giving out free bread bags and then have some gluten intolerance group start protesting and claiming we are being discriminatory.  I don’t need that. Those gluten people are merciless.”