The Denver Broncos, fresh off their 20-18 win over New England in the AFC Championships, are preparing for the challenge of losing to Carolina in the Super Bowl.
“We can’t focus on yesterday’s win,” said Denver Quarterback Peyton Manning in a news conference this morning. “We have to plan and get ready to be beat in the Super Bowl. We are up for the job.”
The Carolina Panthers mercilessly thrashed the Arizona Cardinals 49-15 in the NFC championships, and went 15-1 in the regular season.
“Look, we are a great team. Peyton is a legend. But are we as good as the Panthers? Don’t be ridiculous,” said Broncos’ head coach Gary Kubiak. “I mean, seriously.”
“I am looking forward to spending my final game as a professional football player getting beat and beat badly by Cam [Newton] and the stellar Panthers squad. It will be the perfect cap to my career,” Manning said.
“We all know we are going to get beat. We just hope to beat the spread,” Kubiak said.
Currently, Las Vegas odds makers favor the Panters by “eleventy billion and a half points.”
Super Bowl 50 is set to kick off February 7 at 6:30 p.m. Eastern. It is scheduled to be over for all intents and purposes by 6:40.
In the wake of recent arrests related to alleged corruption within the Federation Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) and the resignation of FIFA President Sepp Blatter, soccer’s premiere governing body has announced a series of sweeping reforms.
“Our goal is to not only cleanse the game of corruption, perceived and real, but also to make the game more accessible and interesting to the general public,” said FIFA spokesperson Newt Figgerson.
FIFA, along with every other major sports sanctioning organization in the world joined together in a day long conference in Zurich to announce changes to their events to increase the popularity of all sports on a global level.
The key reforms are listed below, with quotes from spokespeople from the various sanctioning organizations:
Soccer: “We will just play until someone gets the first point and then be done with it. Game over. Go home. This will make the sport more bearable.”
Basketball: “We are all tired of games in which the last couple of minutes last forever due to penalties stopping the clock. From now on, penalties don’t stop the clock. Instead we deduct points from the offending team. That’ll make them think twice before they go into this foul nonsense.”
Boxing: “A match can only be won by knockout. Period. The end. That’s what people want to see. So let’s just be done with subjective scoring. You want to win a boxing match? You knock your opponent out. Bam. We’re done here.”
Baseball: “I think we can all agree that baseball is a tedious, dull affair. To spice things up, from now on we’re going to include random breakaway balls that are filled with angry hornets. That’ll make things intriguing.” Baseball officials also announced that fans will be issued bats at all games, and they can, if so inclined, run onto the field and chase players while trying to “whale on them” with the bats.
American Football: “Henceforth, quarterbacks cannot be taller than 5’4”. In addition, we’re getting rid of field goals, because field goals are for babies and losers.”
Figure Skating: “We’re just going to stop pretending it’s a sport at all. Sorry we kept doing that.”
Auto Racing: “We’re taking motors out of all vehicles and requiring drivers to propel their cars with their feet. Like Fred Flintstone. That’ll take real athleticism, and not just being able to turn left and press a pedal.”
Quidditch: “Well, the problem with Quidditch is obvious, isn’t it? We’re going to make it so getting the Golden Snitch is not the one and only way to win this ill thought out sport. Muggle Hufflepuff Slytherin Wazoo!!!”
Fencing: “Give them all pirate cutlasses, and have them fight over doubloons and such.”
Golf: “We’re going to add an American Ninja style course between the tee and the putting surface. Make these guys prove they can do more than hit a ball with an expensive stick. The sport would do better if really out of shape guys can’t do well at it, don’t you think?”
Swimming: “Fill the pools with Jell-o. It’ll be hilarious, and imagine the sponsorship dollars!”
Hockey: “Give them all shotguns, and remove penalties.”
All other sports: “Get rid of all other sports. Who needs nonsense like Cricket, skiing events and running around? Enough already.”
The game ending interception thrown by Seattle Seahawks Quarterback Russell Wilson that resulted in the New England Patriots 28-24 win in Super Bowl XLIX was the result of a joke gone awry according to Seahawks Offensive Coordinator Darrell Bevell.
“We were all amped up by that miraculous and amazing catch by Jermaine [Kearse] that we all just got giddy,” Bevell explained. “Then Marshawn [Lynch] got us down to the one yard line, and we thought the deal was done.”
“So, when it was time to call the play from second and one that would have won us that game I sarcastically said ‘Have Russell throw an interception’. I mean, that was obviously sarcastic. Why would any sane man who has ever seen a football game not just have one of the top running backs in the NFL just punch it in? And, seriously, why would anyone literally call for a QB to throw an interception. Sheesh.”
“We are happy to have won this game without us having to actively cheat,” said Patriots owner Robert Kraft following the game. “Initially we just assumed they were letting an old copy of Madden ’98 randomly pick plays at that point. Or maybe they let Katy Perry do it for funsies. Who cares how we did it. But we won. Now, deflate this,” he said making a gesture that was presumably rude.
When reached for comment, Seahawks Head Coach Pete Carroll unleashed an incomprehensible 30-minute stream of sobs and vulgarities.
Members of the Dallas Cowboys will continue their 18 year Super Bowl tradition of gathering at a local Buffalo Wild Wings to enjoy the big game.
“It’s a good way for us to hang out and see what the Super Bowl is like,” said Cowboys Running Back DeMarco Murray. “It just lets us all feel like we’re part of the action.”
The restaurant has two tables set aside for the Cowboys. “We handwrite this little sign that says ‘Reserved’ and everything. We give the guys 10% off their first 12 wings. It just seems right. These guys are always so sad during the game,” said Buffalo Wild Wings manager Clara Mundt.
“I get to decide what sauce we get on the wings,” said Cowboys Quarterback Tony Romo. “That’s because the fellas say they want me to know what it’s like to call a play in February. I usually go with mild.”
“I tell you, it’s a lot of fun,” said Dallas Cornerback Brandon Carr. “Just a good chance to watch two great teams battle for the championship. We get to see some real good football, you know?”
Not every member of the Cowboys’ organization will attend. Rowdy, the Dallas mascot is not allowed “because that is one creepy looking dude,” said Clara Mundt.
In addition, management never shows up to the event. “We asked [Owner Jerry Jones] if he’d like to come once, and he just said we just asked him so he’d pick up the check and, besides, he didn’t want to spend Super Bowl Sunday with a bunch of losers,” said Romo. “He was right on both counts.”
None of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders show up either, making excuses ranging from having a sick aunt to having to “do a thing for work.”
The New England Patriots today announced their strategy for what they believe will lead them to a dominant victory in the NFL Championship game against the reigning title holding Seattle Seahawks.
“We plan to cheat. Plain and simple.” said Patriots coach Bill Belichick during a remarkably candid press conference. “That’s our thing, and we are going to ride it to the Championship.”
Wearing a Patriots sweatshirt with several mustard stains and sporting a three-day growth of stubble, Belichick addressed sports reporters, while smirking belligerently. “Look, we won’t cheat in a way that’s obvious or even actionable, but trust me, we are going to cheat one way or another for 60 full minutes of big league football.”
Belichick’s comments come after controversy spread following the Patriots’ AFC championship win over the Indianapolis Colts when it was discovered that the balls utilized by the Patriots had been deflated to improper levels.
“Look, I’m not saying we deflated any balls,” Belichick said. “And if we did, it was because Tom Brady probably did it because he’s just that kind of guy. Not saying he did. But, as you can see this whole Ballgate or Ballghazi thing, while causing a lot of discussion isn’t doing squat to keep us out of the big game. We’ve got the ring. The Colts have some time off. So what does that tell you? The point is that in the NFL there’s literally no reason not to cheat as long as it’s unlikely to be discovered until after the game.”
Belichick went on to explain, “I’m not saying how we’ll cheat in the championship. Maybe we’ll spike the Seahawks’ Gatorade coolers with sleepy pills or whatever. Maybe we’ll put springs in our kickers shoes that no one will notice. I don’t know, maybe we’ll send over a bunch of free hot dogs to the Seahawks that are loaded down with laxatives or something. The point is whatever we do, no one will really be able to pin it on us until after the game. And by then, who cares?”
When asked if he wanted to explain the Patriots’ plans further, Belichick said. “Yes, we plan to cheat.”
When asked for a comment, NFL spokesperson James Deacon said, “We don’t condone cheating. But, at the same time we don’t actually do anything to deter or punish it. So, whatever.”
In a related story, the nation’s comedy community has issued an announcement that they no longer have any original ways to make double entendrees about the whole ball deflation scandal and indicated they will simply say “Balls,” and giggle going forward.