Category Archives: Uncategorized

Lordy, That Was Some Testimony

Nothing I say can add to the discussion on the historic testimony by former FBI Director James Comey, but when has that ever stopped me.

Based on Comey’s testimony, one can see a path to obstruction. One can argue that a hope is a hope and a hope is not mens rea for obstruction of justice.

By Federal Bureau of Investigation (http://www.fbi.gov/) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

The most interesting part of the testimony was what Comey wouldn’t say in public. Red flags abound, but who knows what he said in the closed session.

The ball hasn’t moved towards either end zone on the field of public opinion. But today’s game was a good one; one for the ages even.

And while I tend to skew centrist in these little rants, I do want to make a few observations that may tilt left of the bullseye.

First, Rubio is now unapologetically the Administration’s water boy. His questioning was shameless and weak. The fight he showed in the primaries has been sapped from him entirely, and he is banking his political future on coattails that may have been sewn in Russia.

We all keep thinking some rogue Republican will stampede through the Congressional jungle. Such an ethereal figure would either fall from grace or become the party’s face and leader in a couple of years. But this chimera has not stirred.

Nor has the old guard of traditional GOP values rallied behind Reagan. John McCain was the one we all thought would be the voice of rational Republicanism. Perhaps that was optimistic in light of his role in the nation even knowing the name Sarah Palin. But today, his nonsensical and confused questioning extinguished all hope that he would be a force of possible change.

To show some semblance of fairness, Burr ran the hearing in a professional and, apparently, even manner. The body as a whole acted with reasonable civility and in a serious, grown up way.

But, be that as it may, what Comey said today in public isn’t going to lead to impeachment in and of itself. But make no mistake, what he said was nothing short of amazing.

A former FBI director called the sitting President a liar. And while Comey would not directly say the President obstructed justice, he laid out an argument that it is possible, without specifically saying so.

And, he said, unequivocally and without hesitation that Russia tampered with our election. And there is little doubt they did so either to cause Hillary to lose or to help Trump to win. A fine distinction, perhaps. But certainly a crucial one.

The Russia investigation should be a top priority for law enforcement.
It should be a top priority for Congress.
And, if the Trump did nothing wrong, it should be a top priority for his administration.

Not just to remove doubt about the office, but to safeguard the process that is vital to our Democracy.

Pardon my verbosity, and, as I clearly have delusions of either Hunter S. Thompson or Ernest Hemingway, if this story annoys you, just blame the swine.

New Proposed Slogans For United Airlines

 

 

By skinnylawyer from Los Angeles, California, USA (United Airlines – N14219) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Due to a series of missteps, United Airlines is mired in a public relations nightmare. In light of this, the airline could consider new slogans. We are happy to provide those here:

1.  United: Where there’s never an extra charge for carry-ons or savage beatings.

2. Fly the decidedly hostile skies of United.

3. United: Don’t even think of flying us while wearing leggings, you strumpets!

4. Fly United, where are in-flight meals are, like, the eighth worst thing about the experience.

5. At United, we loathe to fly with you, and it shows.

6. You think you’re better off with any of the others, chump?

7. United: We’re arguably a little better than Greyhound.

8. Like being manhandled? You’ll love flying United!

9. United. At least our flight attendants don’t try to be funny and what not!

10. Volunteer or get volunteered. With United it’s on you, punk.

11. Overbooking. It’s kind of our thing at United.

12. No shirts, no shoes, no problem! But leggings? That’s a great big stinking problem, you low-life!

13. United: We’re thinking about bringing smoking on flights back. Because why the hell not?

14. Fly United, unless you really need to be somewhere!

15. Air travel doesn’t have to be a drag. Unless we decide to drag you down the aisle. United!

16. United: Hey, we have a hub in Newark!

 

This is a parody, which, frankly, should be obvious.

Nightmare Scenarios

Photo: Nightmare Fuel by Michael Day from Flickr under a Creative Commons (CC-BY-2.0) license

There are some scenarios that are so horrible to consider that considering them should not be an option to a reasonable mind. But, therein lies the rub, dear readers. Our minds are not reasonable. Instead they are vaults of terror that no one was meant to endure.

Below are a list of my nightmare scenarios. Read them at your peril!

1.  Being trapped on the tour bus for Stomp. When they aren’t banging on stuff, they will explain to you the theories behind their art. Which they do insist on calling art.

2.  Attending a Nothing But Trouble film festival.

3.  Stuck on a deserted island with nothing to read but the Ayn Rand Omnibus.

4.  Forced to attend any kind of sing along event.

5. Receiving a position as a ghost writer for the comic strip, Mallard Filmore.

6.  Hosting a celebrity dinner that is attended only by the cast of Punky Brewster. Except for Soleil Moon Frye.

7. Leading a discussion group for seventh grade boys the day after they see Monty Python and the Holy Grail for the first time.

8.  Being tried by a jury of ducks. This one is admittedly unlikely and not currently permissible under U.S. law.

9. Going to the theater to see Les Miserables, only to find that the orchestra has been replaced by four guys playing recorders. WHICH I THOUGHT WAS ONLY LEGALLY PLAYABLE BY CHILDREN.

10. Speed dating with a bunch of squirrels.

11. Flying cross-country in the middle seat between Bill Maher and Alex Jones.

12.  Having a ham sandwich with no mustard or pickles. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME TODAY.

 

 

The Return of Facts That Will Astonish!

“Behold! A haberdasher!” By F. S. Hynd (File:Amazing Stories Volume 01 Number 01.djvu) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
Once again it is time to peel back the onion of lies and cry in wonder at FACTS THAT WILL ASTONISH! All of these facts are ASTONISHINGLY not TRUE!

  1. The marketing character, the Kool-Aid Man, is based on President Zachary Taylor, who had a penchant for bursting into cabinet meetings and shouting “Oh Yeah!”. Also, he had a glass face due to a childhood injury.
  2. Pop Tarts were originally invented as quilt warmers for first class zeppelin passengers.
  3. The phrase “A penny saved is a penny earned” was written by Benjamin Franklin after a rowdy Philadelphia mob chucked pennies at him during a signing of Poor Richard’s Almanac.
  4. No hyena has ever circumnavigated the globe.
    Stupid hyena. By Liaka ac [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
  5. The phrase “Mad as a hatter” derives from the fact that all haberdashers in 1800’s London were insane ghouls.
  6. Every human being on the planet could actually live comfortably in an area the size of Texas. But only if you somehow shrunk them down significantly.
  7. The first man-made object in space was a waffle iron.
  8. Penguins mate for life. Which explains why they get very little done. Cheeky devils.

    “Who has no thumbs and is about to get busy for life…this guy!” Andrew Shiva / Wikipedia, via Wikimedia Commons
  9. The first movie to win the Academy Award for Best Picture was Pardon My Backfire, starring the Three Stooges. Shemp Howard took home the award for best cinematography that year, primarily because no one knew what that word meant at the time.
  10. Ethel Merman invented the asparagus fork.
  11. The Great Wall of China is actually a portion of an unfinished house for a giant who stopped paying the contractors due to financial issues.
  12. Elephants never forget anything, but you’d never know it because the daffy bastards can’t talk.

Oscar Predictions From A Guy Who Hasn’t Seen Many Movies In A While And Who Also Has No Access To A List Of Nominees For Some Reason

Today is the day movie fans wait all year for! It’s the Academy Awards, or as those in the know like to call them, The Oscars!

Golden Dreams Await! By Prayitno [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
I’m a big fan of the golden statues, that’s for sure! But, I have to tell you, I haven’t had much internet access lately because we have an issue with squirrels, and I didn’t get to see many movies this year. There’s lots of reasons, including the squirrel thing and an ongoing fight I’ve been having with a national baked goods company that has consumed far more time than it should have. But right is right, and that’s all I’ll say about that.  Anyway, please bear with me, as I may have some facts wrong. But wrong facts won’t stop my ACADEMY AWARD PREDICTION BONANZA. (That’s trademarked! I just don’t know how to make the little symbol for it!)

Tonight’s awards’ ceremony is something like the 50th year for the festivities, so you know all the big stars will be there. Like George Clooney, I’m betting! The ceremony will be broadcast live from somewhere in Hollywood! They used to be hosted at the Raymond Chandler Pavilion, but I think they are now at the Staples Center.  This year’s show is hosted by Jimmy. Not sure if it’s Kimmel or Fallon. Either way, it should be a hoot! But I think I speak for us all when I say “Bring back Billy Crystal and his opening numbers!”

In addition to the awards, expect a sad “In Memory” reel tonight! We’ll look back and remember the industry people who died over the last year. I know I’ll be screaming “I didn’t know she died!” or “Who is that guy?” during most of it!

Now, let’s get to the meat and two veggies of the show! The awards! Here are my predictions for the categories I can remember!

Best Picture:
I’m starting with the big one! I bet there were some great movies this year. From what I hear, there’s a movie about lady astronauts that’s really good. (Hidden Tigers). I think it will win. I know a lot of people thin L.A. Confidential will win, but from what I hear it’s just about white people who like jazz. So I’m going with the astronaut thing.  Hidden Tigers will be the winner here!

Best Actress:
Is Meryl Streep nominated for something? If she is, she’ll win. I remember hearing she played Florence Nightingale this year. So I bet she wins. You can’t beat the combo of a war picture, a period piece, and Dame Meryl Streep!

Best Actor:
Denzel Washington is always so good. I think he’s in a baseball movie this year. Who doesn’t love Denzel and sports? No one, that’s who. I know some people think Ben Affleck will win, but I hear his Batman was pretty bad, so Denzel Washington for the win!

Best Supporting Actress:
I bet one of the lady astronauts wins! Someone just told me Octavia Spencer was one of them (thanks for the heads up, Carla!).  She’s great and she deserves the win!

Best Supporting Actor:
Was Christoph Waltz in anything? He’s really good.  Christoph Waltz has this one locked!

Best Screenplay:
For some reason, I think they give out two of these. So I’m going to go with L.A. Confidential and Hidden Tigers. That’s just smart playing of the odds!

Best Director:
Steven Spielberg could win this every year as far as I’m concerned, but I bet he loses out to Martin Scorsese.  That guy is just a master.

Best Cinematography:
I don’t know for sure, but I bet some guy from Eastern Europe will win!

Best Documentary:
Someone was watching a documentary about boll weevils that I saw when I was at their house. That seemed good. I never really followed this category. So let’s go with the boll weevil movie.

Best Animated Movie:
My kid watched The Secret Life of Pets at my in-laws’ house, and she said it was really funny. Apparently a chihuahua pees in it and that made her laugh. Good enough for me! The Secret Life of Pets it is!

Best Visual Effects:
Was there a Star Wars movie this year? I know that young Han Solo thing is coming out later, which should be interesting. But I bet something came out this year. Whatever it was should win this.

Best Score:
L.A. Confidential, I guess. Because, you know, all the jazz.

Best Song:
I am going with something by Elton John!

That’s a wrap on this year’s ACADEMY AWARD PREDICTION BONANZA! (still trademarked!) Enjoy the show! And if anyone wants to invite me over, please do. The squirrels are really active today!