Join Megan Straither of United Access Radio as she investigates a murder in the small, Southern town of Danning, Missouri. The facts may not be as they appear.
In the 1980’s, Infocom, a small company from Massachusetts, took the fledgling PC industry by storm with a series of interactive text “adventure” games. Most notably, the company produced the groundbreaking Zork series, which revolutionized the genre with its in-depth storytelling and complex puzzles.
The company shut down in the late 80’s, but many early gamers still look back on the adventures with a great sense of nostalgia.
Among those so entranced is right-wing radio talk show host Alex Jones. Spurred on by memories of the games and on a desire to capitalize on same, Jones started Infowars Adventures, and has produced a series of adventure games for his fans. Following is a complete walk through of the first game in the Infowars Adventures series, Truth Seeker I, The Conspiracy!
You wake up with no memory of the last 24 hours. Maybe your mind was wiped clean in a targeted chemtrails attack. Maybe Hillary Clinton sent you a pizza laced with mind control drugs she financed with profits from her murder for hire business that we all know exists right under our noses. It doesn’t matter, you are being deceived no matter how you look at it, because the devil is at play everywhere, and you need an ally to fight him every single day. Anyway, as you wipe your eyes, you find yourself in a clearing, on a sunny day. To the North you see a hillside with a CAVE. A path leads East into a FOREST. A STREAM is to the South. What do you do?
> Go North
You are at a stream which is populated by frogs who have been turned gay because of a government plot to poison our children and advance the feminist elite agenda. Open your eyes, sheeple! There is nothing for you to do here but mourn the loss of innocence and masculinity is the country.
> Go South
You are back at the clearing. Now is a good time to consider buying some True-Man supplements to clear your head and bring back the virility that they tried to sap from you. It’s only $29.99. Order now because if you don’t we honestly won’t be able to afford to finish this game. I’m serious. I’ve already sold my car to keep this afloat!
> Enter Cave
The cave isn’t real. Don’t believe everything the tell you. The government wants you to believe in caves because that way they can keep you scared of caves. How can you fear the government when you are worried about caves? It’s that simple. We didn’t land on the moon. There are no caves. Open your eyes so you can see the devil for who he truly is. You are back in the clearing, and you seriously need to consider buying our Barack Obama Trumpet of Truth. Anytime Obama tries to tell one of his lies, which is anything he says, let’s be real, you blow the trumpet and show him what’s what. It’s not made of metal. It’s plastic. I want to be honest about that. But it damn sure wasn’t made in Kenya. $39.99. Seriously, we need your help to keep these games coming. They cost us about $65 million a year to make. I may have to sell more blood just to respond to your next command. I mean it, people.
> Go East
You enter a dark, murky forest. On the ground is a BOOK. All around you hear the screams of the stupid and the ignorant. You can also see as some hideous green-skinned aliens who smell like sulfur, spread disease, and who are here to take your children and turn them into servitors of the demonic one world order agenda. The path continues NORTH and SOUTH.
> Get Book
You are wise and have picked up a copy of “Dangerous” by Milo Yiannopoulos, a scorching take down of the liberal lame-stream media. Reading it shuts out the noise of the screaming fools on all sides, terrifies the aliens forcing them to hide under rocks, and it is available direct for purchase from the Infowars web site for only $29.99. Keep this game and democracy alive. Buy it now. Oh, yeah, reading the book has shined a light or something on a hidden TEMPLE.
> Go Temple
It’s not that simple, my friends. The shadow government, the Dumbocrats, and the liberal elite Soros run media complex will do everything in their power to keep you out. They’ll fake a plague, friends. They’ll turn your neighbors into bisexual waiters. This is serious. And there’s only one way…ONE WAY…to beat Satan and enter the temple. And that’s to buy Truth Seeker II: The Righteous Adventurer. Available now on the Infowars web site for only $39.99. Keep the beacon of truth lit, friends. I’ve already had to rip out one kidney and sell it on the dark web to support these games. DON’T LET THE DEVIL WIN! IT’S JUST THAT SIMPLE.
The above is parody, which, frankly, should be obvious.
Here’s a very brief sample scene from my spec script of the next Indiana Jones film. This is NOT fan fiction. Because, I mean, what am I, some kind of loser?*
Interior. Store. Day
INDIANA JONES faces JACK HOBBY, who is unboxing a crate of Iraqi artifacts.
Those pieces belong in museum!
That is precisely the plan, Doctor Jones. I was going to put them in a museum.
Well, I meant, like a real museum. Not your museum. Come on. Also, I don’t care for your stores. Too big and confusing, you know? And honestly, who is THAT into scrapbooking?
Suddenly, a giant boulder rolls down the aisle, causing Indy to have to flee, just as he grabs a cuneiform tablet. Then he hits a guy with a whip. Music swells up. That cool music. Not the Marion’s Theme or some junk like that. End scene. End movie. I retire rich and beloved by all!
* I am not!
Due to a series of missteps, United Airlines is mired in a public relations nightmare. In light of this, the airline could consider new slogans. We are happy to provide those here:
1. United: Where there’s never an extra charge for carry-ons or savage beatings.
2. Fly the decidedly hostile skies of United.
3. United: Don’t even think of flying us while wearing leggings, you strumpets!
4. Fly United, where are in-flight meals are, like, the eighth worst thing about the experience.
5. At United, we loathe to fly with you, and it shows.
6. You think you’re better off with any of the others, chump?
7. United: We’re arguably a little better than Greyhound.
8. Like being manhandled? You’ll love flying United!
9. United. At least our flight attendants don’t try to be funny and what not!
10. Volunteer or get volunteered. With United it’s on you, punk.
11. Overbooking. It’s kind of our thing at United.
12. No shirts, no shoes, no problem! But leggings? That’s a great big stinking problem, you low-life!
13. United: We’re thinking about bringing smoking on flights back. Because why the hell not?
14. Fly United, unless you really need to be somewhere!
15. Air travel doesn’t have to be a drag. Unless we decide to drag you down the aisle. United!
16. United: Hey, we have a hub in Newark!
This is a parody, which, frankly, should be obvious.
There are some scenarios that are so horrible to consider that considering them should not be an option to a reasonable mind. But, therein lies the rub, dear readers. Our minds are not reasonable. Instead they are vaults of terror that no one was meant to endure.
Below are a list of my nightmare scenarios. Read them at your peril!
1. Being trapped on the tour bus for Stomp. When they aren’t banging on stuff, they will explain to you the theories behind their art. Which they do insist on calling art.
2. Attending a Nothing But Trouble film festival.
3. Stuck on a deserted island with nothing to read but the Ayn Rand Omnibus.
4. Forced to attend any kind of sing along event.
5. Receiving a position as a ghost writer for the comic strip, Mallard Filmore.
6. Hosting a celebrity dinner that is attended only by the cast of Punky Brewster. Except for Soleil Moon Frye.
7. Leading a discussion group for seventh grade boys the day after they see Monty Python and the Holy Grail for the first time.
8. Being tried by a jury of ducks. This one is admittedly unlikely and not currently permissible under U.S. law.
9. Going to the theater to see Les Miserables, only to find that the orchestra has been replaced by four guys playing recorders. WHICH I THOUGHT WAS ONLY LEGALLY PLAYABLE BY CHILDREN.
10. Speed dating with a bunch of squirrels.
11. Flying cross-country in the middle seat between Bill Maher and Alex Jones.
12. Having a ham sandwich with no mustard or pickles. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME TODAY.