Tag Archives: Parody

Alex Jones Infowars Adventures

Photo By Sebastian Grünwald (Own work) [CC BY 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
In the 1980’s, Infocom, a small company from Massachusetts, took the fledgling PC industry by storm with a series of interactive text “adventure” games. Most notably, the company produced the groundbreaking Zork series, which revolutionized the genre with its in-depth storytelling and complex puzzles.

The company shut down in the late 80’s, but many early gamers still look back on the adventures with a great sense of nostalgia.

Among those so entranced is right-wing radio talk show host Alex Jones. Spurred on by memories of the games and on a desire to capitalize on same, Jones started Infowars Adventures, and has produced a series of adventure games for his fans.  Following is a complete walk through of the first game in the Infowars Adventures series, Truth Seeker I, The Conspiracy!

*********

You wake up with no memory of the last 24 hours. Maybe your mind was wiped clean in a targeted chemtrails attack. Maybe Hillary Clinton sent you a pizza laced with mind control drugs she financed with profits from her murder for hire business that we all know exists right under our noses. It doesn’t matter, you are being deceived no matter how you look at it, because the devil is at play everywhere, and you need an ally to fight him every single day. Anyway, as you wipe your eyes, you find yourself in a clearing, on a sunny day. To the North you see a hillside with a CAVE. A path leads East into a FOREST. A STREAM is to the South.  What do you do?

> Go North

You are at a stream which is populated by frogs who have been turned gay because of a government plot to poison our children and advance the feminist elite agenda. Open your eyes, sheeple! There is nothing for you to do here but mourn the loss of innocence and masculinity is the country.

> Go South

You are back at the clearing. Now is a good time to consider buying some True-Man supplements to clear your head and bring back the virility that they tried to sap from you. It’s only $29.99. Order now because if you don’t we honestly won’t be able to afford to finish this game. I’m serious. I’ve already sold my car to keep this afloat!

> Enter Cave

The cave isn’t real. Don’t believe everything the tell you. The government wants you to believe in caves because that way they can keep you scared of caves. How can you fear the government when you are worried about caves? It’s that simple. We didn’t land on the moon. There are no caves. Open your eyes so you can see the devil for who he truly is. You are back in the clearing, and you seriously need to consider buying our Barack Obama Trumpet of Truth. Anytime Obama tries to tell one of his lies, which is anything he says, let’s be real, you blow the trumpet and show him what’s what. It’s not made of metal. It’s plastic. I want to be honest about that. But it damn sure wasn’t made in Kenya. $39.99. Seriously, we need your help to keep these games coming. They cost us about $65 million a year to make. I may have to sell more blood just to respond to your next command. I mean it, people.

> Go East

You enter a dark, murky forest. On the ground is a BOOK. All around you hear the screams of the stupid and the ignorant. You can also see as some hideous green-skinned aliens who smell like sulfur, spread disease, and who are here to take your children and turn them into servitors of the demonic one world order agenda. The path continues NORTH and SOUTH.

> Get Book

You are wise and have picked up a copy of “Dangerous” by Milo Yiannopoulos, a scorching take down of the liberal lame-stream media. Reading it shuts out the noise of the screaming fools on all sides,  terrifies the aliens forcing them to hide under rocks, and it is available direct for purchase from the Infowars web site for only $29.99. Keep this game and democracy alive. Buy it now. Oh, yeah, reading the book has shined a light or something on a hidden TEMPLE.

> Go Temple

It’s not that simple, my friends. The shadow government, the Dumbocrats, and the liberal elite Soros run media complex will do everything in their power to keep you out. They’ll fake a plague, friends. They’ll turn your neighbors into bisexual waiters. This is serious. And there’s only one way…ONE WAY…to beat Satan and enter the temple. And that’s to buy Truth Seeker II: The Righteous Adventurer. Available now on the Infowars web site for only $39.99. Keep the beacon of truth lit, friends. I’ve already had to rip out one kidney and sell it on the dark web to support these games. DON’T LET THE DEVIL WIN! IT’S JUST THAT SIMPLE.

The above is parody, which, frankly, should be obvious.

Global Warming Debunked

Image from egghead scientists at NASA. 

 

– Little Rock, AR

Jeffrey Nanners, a 58 year old auto mechanic, announced today that the current high temperatures experienced by much of the country in no way proves that “global warming is a thing.”

“Temperatures change and get high in the Summer.  It doesn’t prove anything,” Nanners said.

These comments appear to be contrary to remarks Nanners made last winter when he sarcastically said “Guess that’s just global warming, huh?” during an ice storm.  He was also heard to say “Where’s all that global warming you hear about?” while shoveling snow from his driveway.

“There’s nothing inconsistent with my views at all.  If it’s hot in the summer for many many days, that proves that global warming isn’t real, because it’s supposed to be hot.  If it’s cold in the winter for a couple of days, that also proves global warming isn’t real, because it’s supposed to be cold.  Those are just facts,” Nanners said. “You can’t judge climate change based on a few days. Except in the winter.”

“Look, if global warming were real, we’d have these temperatures in February, and we don’t, do we, Poindexter?” Nanners asked reporter Poindexter McClure.

When asked whether or not Nanners had a point, Dr. Eleanor Rigsby, a climatologist with the National Aeronautics and Space Administration simply shook her head, sighed, and then threw a bunch of science on a table.

“Why is NASA even dealing with this. Unless they think the moon is somehow affecting stuff on Earth. Which is ridiculous,” Nanners said derisively.

Comprehensive Sports Reforms Announced

By Bic (Wikimedia Commons) [Attribution or CC BY-SA 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

– Zurich, Switzerland

In the wake of recent arrests related to alleged corruption within the Federation Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) and the resignation of FIFA President Sepp Blatter, soccer’s premiere governing body has announced a series of sweeping reforms.

“Our goal is to not only cleanse the game of corruption, perceived and real, but also to make the game more accessible and interesting to the general public,” said FIFA spokesperson Newt Figgerson.

FIFA, along with every other major sports sanctioning organization in the world joined together in a day long conference in Zurich to announce changes to their events to increase the popularity of all sports on a global level.

The key reforms are listed below, with quotes from spokespeople from the various sanctioning organizations:

  1.  Soccer: “We will just play until someone gets the first point and then be done with it. Game over. Go home. This will make the sport more bearable.”
  2. Basketball: “We are all tired of games in which the last couple of minutes last forever due to penalties stopping the clock. From now on, penalties don’t stop the clock. Instead we deduct points from the offending team. That’ll make them think twice before they go into this foul nonsense.”
  3. Boxing: “A match can only be won by knockout. Period. The end. That’s what people want to see. So let’s just be done with subjective scoring. You want to win a boxing match? You knock your opponent out. Bam. We’re done here.”
  4. Baseball: “I think we can all agree that baseball is a tedious, dull affair. To spice things up, from now on we’re going to include random breakaway balls that are filled with angry hornets. That’ll make things intriguing.” Baseball officials also announced that fans will be issued bats at all games, and they can, if so inclined, run onto the field and chase players while trying to “whale on them” with the bats.
  5. American Football: “Henceforth, quarterbacks cannot be taller than 5’4”. In addition, we’re getting rid of field goals, because field goals are for babies and losers.”
  6. Figure Skating: “We’re just going to stop pretending it’s a sport at all. Sorry we kept doing that.”
  7. Auto Racing: “We’re taking motors out of all vehicles and requiring drivers to propel their cars with their feet. Like Fred Flintstone.  That’ll take real athleticism, and not just being able to turn left and press a pedal.”
  8. Quidditch:  “Well, the problem with Quidditch is obvious, isn’t it?  We’re going to make it so getting the Golden Snitch is not the one and only way to win this ill thought out sport.  Muggle Hufflepuff Slytherin Wazoo!!!”
  9. Fencing:  “Give them all pirate cutlasses, and have them fight over doubloons and such.”
  10. Golf:  “We’re going to add an American Ninja style course between the tee and the putting surface.  Make these guys prove they can do more than hit a ball with an expensive stick.  The sport would do better if really out of shape guys can’t do well at it, don’t you think?”
  11. Swimming:  “Fill the pools with Jell-o.  It’ll be hilarious, and imagine the sponsorship dollars!”
  12.  Hockey:  “Give them all shotguns, and remove penalties.”
  13. All other sports:  “Get rid of all other sports. Who needs nonsense like Cricket, skiing events and running around?  Enough already.”

Failed 2015 Fall Pilots

— Los Angeles, CA

The broadcast networks this week announced their new shows to begin airing in Fall 2015. While this was cause for television audiences to rejoice at the quality offerings headed their way, many producers, writers, performers and other industry insiders are cursing their fates as they learned their pilots had not been picked up.

Below is a list of some of the pilots that failed to find a television home:

Inconceivable!                By Yusuf Laher (dudephotography) [CC BY-SA 2.0 http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
1. Andre!: A series based on the 1981 film, My Dinner With Andre. The pilot starred Matt LeBlanc in the title role, with Richard Ayoade taking over the part played in the film by Wallace Shawn. The pilot featured the two main characters having dinner and talking about bugs the whole time.

2. Matter Eater Lad:  In an effort to cash in on the recent crop of super hero movies and television shows, this pilot featured Josh Gad as Tenzil Kim, an alien whose super power is the ability to eat stuff.  In the pilot, Tenzil foiled a bank robbery by eating the bank.

3.   The Billion Dollar Quiz!:  A nighttime game show in which the winner receives a billion dollars.  The problem was obvious when it was announced that the prize went to the one of three contestants who won a simple trivia game each night of the five night a week proposed show.

The now unemployed star of Stone and Manatee will return to his previous job of swimming about eating things.

4.  Stone and Manatee.  A buddy cop show starring unknown actor Will Negland and a manatee.  In the pilot, they solved a jewel heist that occurred in a Florida Marsh.

5.  Mother Most Vexatious! The mother (Carol Kane) of an Elizabethan playwright  (Joe Rogan) is acerbic and demanding.

6.  Law’s Law.  Sarah Law (Helena Johannson, who is apparently vaguely related to Scarlett, through marriage we think) is an attorney by day and also by night, as her job is fairly demanding.  In the pilot she spent the whole show reviewing documents produced pursuant to discovery requests in  fairly routine slip and fall case. Highlights includes a montage of highlighting things.

7.  Gitter Done.  A Larry the Cable Guy vehicle in which he playes Gitter Done, CEO of Done Manufacturing, a company that makes bucket handles.

8.  Mystery Island!  Strangers awaken on an island after falling asleep in their homes.  Over the course of the series, they would learn what drew them to the island and what the island represents.  In the pilot they just spent the whole hour talking about stuff they saw on Lost.

9.  Knightly News!  A comedy take on the day’s news as told by a Knight of the Round Table (H. Jon Benjamin).  Unfortunately, the punchline to each story was “What sorcery is this!”

10.  Monday Night Lights.  A spin-off off football series Friday Night Lights, but this one was set at a crafts class down at the community center.  In the first episode, the group made macrame owls and talked about Texas.

Michael Jackson Prank Called Russell Crowe

– – Hollywood, CA

By Eva Rinaldi Uploaded by MyCanon (Russell Crowe) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Recent reports revealed that King of Pop Michael Jackson allegedly spent years prank calling Gladiator’s Russel Crowe, despite the fact that the two never met.  Today, our staff obtained transcripts of some of these calls, and present them here in an exclusive report:

<TELEPHONE RING>
RC: <Unintelligible grunt>
MJ: Is Mr. Wall there?
RC: Who the hell is this?
MJ: Is Mrs. Wall there?
RC: Seriously, mate, I will flat out murder you.
MJ: Are any walls there?
RC: I will bury your family and burn down their dreams.
MJ: How does your roof stay up? hehehe
RC: Ok, Michael Jackson, that’s pretty funny.
MJ: Thank you, Russell Crowe. Want to get ice cream and watch some movies?
RC: I guess.
MJ: I’ll have the movies. You bring the ice cream.
RC: What kind do you want?
MJ: Do you have Breyers in a tub?
RC: Yeah.
MJ: Better let him out before he gets all wrinkly, he-he!
RC: Never call me again, or I swear to all that is holy I will put you in a bag with 8 rabid dingos and chuck you into a pit.
<CONNECTION BROKEN>

<TELEPHONE RING>
RC: <Cranky muttering>
MJ:  Is Mr. Max there?
RC: Michael Jackson, is that you?
MJ:  Aww, now, don’t be mad, Max! Hehe!
RC: That’s Mel Gibson you stupid bastard. Call me again and I’ll eat your monkey!
MJ: Thunderdome!
RC: <Expletive Deleted>
<CONNECTION BROKEN>

<TELEPHONE RING>
RC: <Unable to hear over loud didgeridoo playing>
MJ:  Excuse me, is your refrigerator running?
RC: Look, Michael, I know it’s you. Stop this right now!
MJ:  Well, if it is, you better run after it real fast!
RC: That’s not even the right joke, you <Expletive Deleted>.
MJ:  Yes it is.
RC:  No, it’s not.  It’s “Is your refrigerator running?” “Yes.” “Well, you better go catch it, then!” See, mate?
MJ: Sorry to have bothered you.
<CONNECTION BROKEN>

<TELEPHONE RING>
RC: <Unintelligible due to Men At Work’s Down Under playing in background>
MJ: Is your refrigerator running?
RC: <Expletive Deleted> you, Michael.
MJ: Hehe!
<CONNECTION BROKEN>

<TELEPHONE RING>
RC: <Can’t hear over sound of smashing glass>
MJ:  Is Amanda Huggenkiss there?
RC: You just saw that on the Simpsons, jackass.
MJ:  Hehe!
RC: I will set your head on fire!
<CONNECTION BROKEN>